QuestionWhile I understand that this is a common phenomenon, women thinking their husbands are lazy, it has taken a while for me to come to the conclusion that what I have is beyond manageable.
It is hard for me to ask for help because this "enabling"
relationship is the same that my parents had. I also said I would not have this and somehow I find myself in this boat.
I would even venture to say that it is worse.
I am 26 years old and pursuing an advanced degree while working. I met my husband in college and we were very happy for a long time. He suffered an injury and was out of school. He has since finished and moved to where I live, but I have found that I have grown and have life plans, while he is still floundering.
He is a wonderful man, caring and very affectionate. However, he doesn't make an effort to find employment and our expenses are stretched by living off my salary alone. He preaches to me about conserving money but I want to scream because I feel that I am making sacrifices because he can not find a job.
When he is employed he is a good worker but doesn't behave responsibly and messes things up for himself. He instead now sits at home and plays video games all day.
Even while he is at home he does not make a proactive effort to find employment nor does he do any housework. He has to be specifically asked to do work before doing so. Even when he is asked to do work it takes him one whole day to do a sink load of dishes.
While it is true that I am a messy person, I can clean up after myself when I am sick of it. Plus I do not think it is too much to ask for after putting in a 12 hour day to come home and not be expected to find food. He is so lazy that he will not cook the entire day until I come home and eat one meal a day.
It is awful because I will go away on a business trip for 4 days and come back and nothing will have changed, no dishes done, no garbage taken out. It is like he is just sitting there not moving forward in life.
He tells me he just wants to be here and support me, but I need more support than moral support and it seems like he is not growing up and I have changed as a person.
I am at the end of my ropes because I love him and he makes me feel happier if I ignore the fact that I am frustrated. But I can not take this anymore. I am constantly stressed because of it and if I give him a gentle reminder or ask him if he has done job things he just says that he does not like those jobs and that I am "nagging" him like his mother. But if I do not say anything, he will not do anything. It just feels like I lose either way.
He says he doesn't like the career he is qualified to do and wants to teach, but yet he lags at filling out the forms. We do not have much money and I do not want to spend it if he is not going to work hard and try. All I have heard that he wants to do is to have a family. But how can I start a family with someone who has so little plans for his life. I do not want to be tied to a person with children who then has me working all day and comes home at night to take care of everyone.
We have been to counseling and seems like a nice, normal, supportive person and I seem like a shrew. Thus, I don't really know what to do about it anymore. I'm just sad all the time because I am on one hand so happy with my husband but on the other hand so frustrated.
While the easy answer would be to leave him and get divorced, I really do not want to do that if it is not the last resort. I know my husband and if it came to that point our relationship would not be the same because he would never trust me again even if we were able to work things out. He would spend all his time wondering when I would leave him.
Please help.
AnswerLeila - what your husband needs is a wake-up call. Nothing short of a figurative splash of cold water in the face is going to do it. Something has to change or this marriage is headed for divorce. I have seen it many times.
We need to get him to realize the impact of his actions (or lack of them) are having on you.
I'd like you to do four things;
1. When he does even the slightest thing to help around the house, compliment and thank him for it. It is a powerful motivator. People tend to repeat things that they get positive feedback on. So look for things to thank him for or compliment him on.
2. Sit down with him and, in a very calm and loving manner, share your frustration this way - "When I have worked all day and I come home and nothing is done around the house, it makes me feel like ...." You fill in the blanks. How does it make you feel? Frustrated? Used? Angry? Again focus on the action NOT on him. Let him know how his behavior impacts you.
3. Also share with him, again calmly and in a loving way, that SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. Repeat that over and over and hang onto it like a pit bull. SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. You love him and you want things to work between you. Tell him that you appreciate his affection and his caring nature and you want that for the rest of your life. But, SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. The one thing you cannot and will not do is continue to live your life with the feelings you have about this issue. It is no way to live and is not healthy for either of your or your relationship.
4. Ask him to set some goals. Small ones at first. One job interview in the next week. Or one load of dishes in the next three days. Something like that. Over time, escalate the goals to two job interviews, mowing the yard, and doing a load of laundry. In short, manage his life through setting goals for him that he can accomplish and feel good about. It will build on itself.
Try these things Leila and let me know how it goes.
Lastly, keep your chin up. I can sense your frustration and you have every right to be. But try to focus on the future and what a great, loving, and supportive marriage you are going to have after the two of you have worked through this period.
As I always tell people - there is one thing that the worst of times and the best of times have in common - neither of them last very long. So please stick it out, work on it, and you will see the happy rewards.
Please keep me posted and God bless you.
David
