QuestionQUESTION: We have been married 24 years,with difficulty,we started working on our marriage in April,went on vacation together,everything was wonderful I thought,on November 10th he told me he was leaving and wants a divorce because I cant stay awake to work on us. I lose all energy around 6:00pm and fall asleep on the couch, it has nothing to do with him, please help. he never said it was bothering him again, he said I have been doing this for 10 yrs.I do know it has been around 4 yrs.of me falling asleep like that he has addressed it in the past with angry words, this time he he hugged and kissed me and told me he loves me the night before and then blindsided me the next morning. He is adamentthat he is filing for divorce, and is leaving Jan.1st I sought counseling and have made a Dr. appt to find out if something medical is wrong with me.I asked him to go to a counsler he will not.for the past 4 yrs always around this time he gets distant, he told me 4yrs ago he wanted out and was only going to stay untill our daughter graduates.that wont be untill 2009 The only thing he will talk to me about is the divorce, I do not want it,he has told all of our friends and his family I am devestated, what should I do? to save the marriage
ANSWER: Hi Lisa: I am sorry to hear about your pain.
The answer to your question as to whether to try to save the marriage is YES. Try to save it. Given where his mind is, I think you should approach it in little bitty, non-threatening steps.
By that I mean that you should ask him to go to a counselor with you BUT, under these circumstances, you are not asking for any serious commitment from him - just use the following logic;
1. Isn't 24 years of marriage worth one hour at a marriage counselor?
2. All you are asking is for ONE appointment.
3. Isn't it worth ONE appointment for your teenage daughter?
In other words, get him to ONE appointment to a counselor. And let him get involved by helping to choose which one to visit. Again, ONE appointment is all you are asking for.
Now, I have to tell you that, reading what he has said to you, I have a concern about another person in his life which, if true, changes all the dynamics.
I say that Lisa because I have seen literally hundreds of cases like this. Your husband is using your tiredness as an excuse for leaving. A devoted spouse does not leave because their loved one falls asleep at 6 PM. Remember "in sickness and in health"? Does he think that part of his marriage vow does not apply to him?
On the bright side, if the two of you want to save the marriage and are willing to do the hard work necessary to save it, you can have a marriage that is more filled with love and excitement than you ever imagined.
Please keep me posted Lisa. I do wish you the very best.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I just found out he is having an affair,I did a little detective work and have some eveidence, not enough yet to confront him, I have hired a PI to help me when I get the visual proof how should I approach him with it?
AnswerYou don't have to wait for further evidence. Confront him now. Ask him if he meant it when he said "Forsake all others". Promises, especially marriage vows, are important things.
Go back to my first response and ask him for just one hour of his time to visit a marriage counselor. Just one hour.
Unfortunately for him, he is on a path that almost assuredly has no happy future in it. For starters, 70% of second marriages end in divorce. And most affairs end before getting married. In either he will be alone. Is that really the future he is looking for?
Get to a counselor and work hard to save this marriage. No matter what happens, you will be able to hold your head up and fought for what you knew was right.
Hang in there Lisa.
