QuestionQuestion My fiancee and I met last January (2007), in July I asked her to marry me. She graciously said yes, but this past February (2008) we started to have problems. First they were little arguments which every couple has. Then two days in a row we had large blowouts.
She moved in with her mother and out of our one bedroom apartment. She told me she has been unhappy for a longtime. I asked her what about the day I proposed, she said she was unhappy all but that day.
She has told me she doesn't know if she wants to marry me or even be with me anymore, but she tells me every day that she loves me and is still in love with me. She can't take it staying the night here with me, but every so often for some reason or another she does stay.
She said one conflicting reason in her decision whether or not to stay with me is that she doesn't want to hurt my family and most of all she doesn't want to hurt me. She also says she doesn't want to stick me with all the bills and she will gladly help me pay.
She can't decide to stay with me or not, and I can't wait for ever. I am madly in love with her still, every second we are apart I am missing her. She tells me the reason she works so much and goes out with her friends is to forget about me. I can't do that.
She says because I have never had such a long relationship that I don't know if she is the one for me, that I don't know if I truly love her or if this is just an infatuation.
How long should I give her because this is killing me, I need some help, please.
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Answer Bryce,
The first thing I would ask is are you in pre marriage counseling. If you are not then that needs to be your first step. The next thing is that more than 70% of couples that live together before marriage usually fail so the not living together could be a good thing for now. If she want to be with you and married then she will consider this and you will both get the needed help with your relationship. If you have decided on who is going to marry you then if it is a pastor then he should be the one to do the counseling. A pastor has a way of making you ask each other questions most people forget to ask before marriage. Try not to rush her. Give her some space and let her make up her mind. I am not saying that she get to string you along forever, but a reasonable amount of time that you both decide on. What you are going through is normal and with time will work itself out.
God Bless
Dr Tim Gladu
I have included that to give you the backstory.
But now, we are getting better. I do agree that not living together at the moment is better. I can do whatever I want, watch any shows I want and get on the computer when I want with out her yelling at me.
We work for the same company but at two different stores. First problem I have is that she works late a lot, most the time I don't mind because she isn't living with me. In the past she has worked until 3 or 4 in the morning. Do I have the right to be upset, she always gets mad at me when I do and says 'Oh, so you're upset because I have to work?' But like last night, I didn't think she was going to stay the night, I dropped her off at her mom's and she walked across the street to my apartment. I returned to work, half an hour later she called and asked when I was going to be home, I said I don't know I still had a lot to do. I am management and so is her mother at the same store she should know a lot more goes into my job than her part. She got upset when she called an hour later and asked where I was, so I left everything and went home, do I have the right to be upset because she is being unfair in not wanting me to work?
She says Teusdays are our day to spend together, two weeks ago we sat at my house and watched TV, did nothing she went home and went to bed. This past Teusday she wanted to get her hair and nails done, but still wanted to spend the entire day with me. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS LATER, she is finally finished it is 6:30 at night, I asked if she wanted to go and get something to eat or go out. She said no, she just wanted to stay in. Of course I got upset.
Thursdays are her day to be out with her friends and forget about the situation. They started going out about a month ago, first they went to a bar and grill, ate-drank-and was very merry. The next week they went to dinner and then went back to one of the guys houses. This week first at 3:00 in the afternoon she went to lunch with two guys and then back to their house to watch movies until god knows when.
This upsets me because she is getting all dressed up, curling her hair putting on makeup and wearing very nice clothes to go to lunch and then back to someone's house to watch movies. And they are two guys and some girl, but most the time it is just the guys the girl is not there. When we go out, no makeup, hair in a ponytail, and jeans and a t-shirt.
I have the right to get upset, right? And I know you're going to say, talk to her about it-let her know how I feel, but I have and guess what I am a complete asshole for not letting her have her own life. I want her to go out and have fun, but coming home at 1 or 2 in the morning and drinking and I mean drinking to much with a bunch of guys that I know have a thing for her. I get worried. She never tells me where she is going and I am an ass once again for showing concern, what am I to do?
I can't go out with friends because I can't stop thinking about her, it makes the night terrible. Plus, if I was to go out with a bunch of girls...WOW, my life would be over. She would hate me.
AnswerBryce - the key to a successful marriage is selflessness. By that I mean that you should be more interested in what makes HER happy than what makes you happy.
Now, that doesn't include inappropriate behavior. And her going to dinner and another man's house is completely inappropriate without you included. It just is.
The two of you need to go see a counselor. If you do not get to the root of this issue between you, this marriage is in trouble.
Find a counselor together and please get this dealt with.
David
