QuestionI have been married for 10 months to a man I dated for approximately 18 months prior to our wedding. He has been previously married and I have not.
My husband (like me and everyone else in the world) came into this relationship with baggage from prior relationships. His particular baggage has to do with infidelity/trust issues. Another issue that I see in him is a feeling of insecurity and lack of worth.
Most recently, we have had an issue that began with feelings of jealousy on his part. While he & I were out together, I ran into a platonic male friend from whom I had been out of contact for over a year. I introduced the two, chatted for a few minutes and walked away. After becoming absolutely enraged and unable to communicate (and possibly unable to breathe, from the looks of things), he finally blew up at me, telling me that I had blushed when I saw my former friend. When I assured him that there were no romantic feelings now or then, he told me, in so many words, that I wasn't being honest.
During the next 36 or so hours, he didn't speak to me & didn't go to work. When he finally felt that he could talk, he apologized for being jealous.
I very grudgingly accepted his apology, however by this time, I was more than a little disgusted with him. We have had numerous conversations in the past about "fighting" in a healthy way and about him trying to find ways to cope with uncomfortable/difficult situations and this incident showed no indication of improvement on his part.
When I spoke to him today, I asked if there was anything that he would do differently in this situation if he had it to do all over again. Without answering the question, he launched into what has become his routine response: "We don't have enough stuff in common and I think it would just be so much easier if you were with someone who liked the same things you like."
He has been telling me this ad nauseum for a long time and I have grown weary of the discussion. I am not sure how many times I can tell him that I am with him because of him and not because I never got a better offer. I don't know how to cope with this recurring issue. He refuses to see a counselor/therapist. It is all I can do to keep myself sane while hoping that he can work through his "stuff". I want my marriage to work. I love my husband dearly. I understand that these sort of things don't change overnight.
What I don't know is what is the other person supposed to do in the meantime? I've tried everything I know of. I have tried to talk to him about how he might better cope with these feelings; I've repeatedly told him that I do not have any interest in any other man. I am trying to be as understanding and patient as I can, but I can feel myself starting to put up an emotional wall. I need some fresh new ideas and tools, because I am beginning to go numb.
Thank you in advance.
AnswerKimberly,
There is no generic and simple / one time answer for your issue(s). The entire situation is too complex for one or two comments.
Actually, a professional advice or remark should be based on familiarity with your (both of you) backgrounds and personalities. Such a 'story' is indeed alarming...
A few (1-3) counseling sessions are needed in order for me to assess the situation and suggest a constructive way of calming the situation.
Look for a local counseling resource or take a look at the case studies in my site and the sessions' fees and determine if you do want to peruse via phone / web-cam counseling.
Regards,
Dr. Joseph Abraham
http://www.dr-joseph.com
