Navigating Relationships with Step-Daughters: A Guide for Stepmothers

Question
When I met my husband 10 years ago he was still in contact with his ex-fiancee so that he could remain active in her daughter's life.  When they broke up he promised to raise her (then 1 year old) as his own daughter (I have been told that he is definitely not her biological father).  Over the years, he has sent money for school clothes, birthday and Christmas presents, and visits at least once a year.  Now, the young woman is 17 years old.  My husband is secretly sending money ($350 for her sweet 16 birthday party), money to repair her truck (shocks and a new windshield), and money to fly her to visit her Grandmother.  When I discover these payments, I ask him about them and he makes up excuses or lies about them.  I found pictures on the computer of the shocks and windshield and asked my husband what they were for.  He told me they were for a slideshow he was working on.  This is a lie because they are actually Christmas presents that he has promised her.  I discovered this by accessing his MySpace account which is how he keeps in touch with her.  He always makes the initial contact and to my knowledge she does not e-mail or call.  I have asked him to discuss money or gifts before he sends them to her.  I don't know the technical terms, but I feel like he's having a sort of emotional affair with her because of the way he does things without my knowing.  He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing because "I promised to raise her as my own daughter".  When he visits her he spends a lot of money on her and her friends.  He seems to lose all sense of control and common sense when he is around her.  How can I get past these feelings of betrayal?  I love him, but he really hurts me when I find out he is giving her gifts behind my back and is in contact with her without my knowledge. He always leaves the room when he calls and doesn't always tell me that he has spoken with her.   

What do we need to do when I feel so hurt and he doesn't see the problem?

Thank you!
Christine

Answer
Well if it is family money, yours and his, you should have a say in how it is dispensed. I wouldn't push the envelope here, but he should at least run these things by you. If it is something your family can afford, fine, if it is putting a burden on your family, it should be controlled. You have to realize he feels responsible for his agreement, and it is probably fun being a big shot, and perhaps he can include you in some of the fun parts.

Bill