QuestionMy husband has recently started becoming judgmental about everything, and it's now started to spread to our 14-year-old son too. Now the two of them are judgmental about everything we do, from dawn till dusk, and it's really upsetting to see this personality change - they used to be so friendly and happy.
I had a heart-to-heart discussion with them, but they just couldn't or wouldn't open up to me about why they were so judgmental.
The judgmental behaviour has now gone as far as to have my husband say to a work colleague "I won't work with any black people as far as I can throw them, they're gangstas, y'know!"
I am appalled at their behaviour, and my husband's new attitude. I suspect it may well come from his new group of friends who he hangs out with - a group of guys - and that he refuses to let me meet them.
I'm upset about this, it's wearing me down.
I could divorce him, but I want to work at my marriage, I know marriage can be tough, but as my parents said "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" so I will try and work at it unless it becomes irreconcilable (?) - not sure how to spell that word.
What options should I take for handling this situation affecting both my husband and son - I mean, is this strange/odd behaviour or is it an age-thing (I'm 35, my husband's 36).
I'm not judgmental, never have been/will be, very open-minded, so why is my husband being like this?
AnswerHi Kate~
That's truly awful that his attitude is crappy and disrespectful like that, not to mention it's very racist. It's probably a good thing that you don't meet these new "friends." People who act like that aren't any friends at all. You have every right to be upset and angry with their sucky attitudes. If this kept up I'd honestly be in fear for my husband and son. No one likes a racist and he could end up getting himself hurt or running his mouth to someone and regret it (what if someone over heard him making a comment like that, yikes).
If he won't talk to you then that's going to make it even harder to work these issues out. I'd be so afraid for my son too, b/c young teens are so impressionable! UGH! And it's very irresponsible for your husband to behave like that in front of your son. Goodness you have a really tough dilemma ahead of you here.
To answer your questions; it's probably his choice and the influence of his new "friends" and you're right to be suspecting this is the root of the problem.
Some steps you can take (now whether it'll work or not depends on their attitude and if they'll even talk to you about all this). Try to sit down with them separately (so they can't influence one another) and have a serious heart to heart talk with each of them. Your husband needs to know exactly how this is affecting you (and your son too). And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. As for a discussion with your son; tell him you raised him better than that and tell him your thoughts and feelings on this (again if you have to). He will listen to you even if he acts like he's tuning you out, including the eye rolling, etc. He IS listening to you though. Don't give up on trying to get through to your son. Ask him how he would feel if someone said something to him in a derogatory manner, called him an obscene racist name/comment, etc. Use examples where you can, and try to get this point across to him. Hopefully you'll eventually be successful. As a parent we have to keep being persistent and not give up very easily on our kids. Now your husband he's a different story he's a grown man and he should know better (or you'd think he would). You can't make him do something he refuses to do or to change something or a behavior he's not willing to change for whatever his reasoning might be.
I don't think this is an age thing, unless he's just putting on a show and trying to fit in with his new "friends" if so then that might be part of the issue too. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, hard to say, but he's the only one that truly knows why he's acting this way. The bad thing is he's now influencing your son, not cool at all. The bottom line is this can't keep happening and sooner or later something's got to give. If he can't/won't change it then you might have to take matters into your own hands and do what you have to do, if that means separation and ultimately a divorce and you have to move on with your life w/o him in it, then so be it. I hope this helps you some or gives you a starting point on what to do next.
