Navigating Co-Parenting Challenges & Protecting Children from Abuse

Question
I don't really know where to start but here goes. I have known my fiancee for 14 years, we have been together for 2 years. We both have children, I have three and he has three. All three of mine live with us and his youngest son lives with us and his other two come over every other weekend. Well here is the problem, my youngest son grew up in a house watching his father verbally and physically abuse me. I took him to counseling and I have taught all my children that is no way to act, but some times my youngest goes off and I make him go to his room and give him a few to calm down and then I will go talk to him. Well my fiancee blows up and makes the situation worse then it needs to be. I have tried to explain to him that the haulering does not help. He then thinks I am talking to him like a child and that he is unappreciated in our family. I don't know how to dissolve the problem. My fiancee was an only child and sometimes he really does act like a spoiled brat. Now he has gotten to the point where he says him and his son will move out. I don't want this cause I love them all very much. I have been through alot and so have our children but I don't know how much longer I can play referee.

Answer
Hi Rebecca~

Your children should come first and if he's going to act childish and immature then perhaps it is for the best if he leaves.  Your son witnessing this again by your fiancee is only bringing back bad memories and bad habits for your son.  So, of course, this is going to make him act out.  Your fiancee is not his father and can't punish him/step in and tell him what to do.  That's not his job, that's yours.  He needs to butt out and let you do the disciplining of your children.  If he tries to interject and play boss at some point then it's only going to cause more problems and chaos in your children's lives.  Now, he's come to making threats that he's going to leave if this doesn't change.  This is only a glimpse into what things will truly be like if/when you marry him.  And marriage changes a person for better or worse.  If it's this bad right now maybe you want to reconsider marrying him.  Raising children is definitely a challenge and a tough but yet rewarding job that only parent will ever have in life.  

You need to sit down with him and try to have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this relationship.  If he refuses to change, well, then I guess you'll need to make some tough decisions in the future about this relationship.  It's not fair that he's putting you in the middle of all of this, instead of him coping and dealing with it, and trying to support you to the best of his ability.  The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.