QuestionHi! My husband and I have been together for 9 years, 4 out of which have been unhappy for both of us and I have been contemplating leaving him but every time I want to he changes and asks to start over.
The problem is when we met and I sah him smoke pot I told him I will not be with someone like him since that is not my thing and he said it wasn't a big deal and he will quit. I was gullable and believed him. He continued only behind my back. He says he only does it sometimes and a few times a month but I smell it more often and there was a period of time he dud it every day in our bathroom which he would always lock and if I knock yo get smth he would always get mad that I can't wait. Though I knew everyone needs privacy I felt strange since I would always open the door if he needs to come in. He also started taking vicodins and at first I thought it was for pain but he then kept getting more and more and hiding from me when I startedto suspect it for drug abuse. He was agressive and violent at times and though angry at him I offered my help a few times but every time he denied drug use and tell me I am paranoid. He became verbally abusive, agressive and was spending time at home by the tv. I used to spend time w our son who is now 8 while he would stay home saying he has stomach pain that numerous doctor visits couldn't identify or cure. Now 2 years later, he doesn't seem to take vicodins but still smokes pot behind my back. Though I got fed up and want to leave he now acts different : spends more time with our son and doesn't abuse me verbally. I feel like perhaps I shoul give him another chance but at the same time I feel empty and afraid that it will happen again. I dont want him touching me, we have been sleeping in the same room for a long time. I am lost. When I offers marriage therapy 2 years ago he kept telling me we have nothing to save but now I feel this way. I work and make more money than he does so i know I can support myself. He is my only man but I feel like perhaps he is not right for me.. I need help! Feel lost and confused.
AnswerHi Leyla~
What in all these 9 yrs you've been together makes it okay for you to somehow convince yourself that he'll change? Which in reality he's not changed at all. He's become wise to your ways, he knows you'll continually put up with his nonsense and his crap that he puts you through. So he's playing you for a fool. He's insulting your intelligence, and you're falling for his lies hook, line and sinker. He's got you right where he wants you. When are you going to wake up and realize this, and I'm not trying to come down on you or insult you either. Rather I want you to see the very games he's become very good at playing with you. In the last 9 yrs you've been together, you've threatened to leave him if he doesn't stop doing drugs, smoking marijuana, etc. How many times have you actually left him though? You have to say what you mean and mean what you say. Otherwise he's not going to take you seriously or at your word ever, no one will. If you don't follow through with something you threaten to do, then why bother to threaten to leave him? It's a temporary fix that last a short amount of time. He tells you what you want to hear, and hope against hope that one of these times he will really change and become the man you want him to be. Alas though to no avail and all your efforts to make him get off drugs is failing. He will straighten up just enough to get your hopes up, only to dash them when you see that he's not changing after all. So not only is he using drugs, he's a liar.
You have to see the signs that it's time for you to move on with your life w/o him in it. He's dragging you down with him the longer you stay with him and keep enduring his empty promises to you. He tells you what you want so hear. Actions speak louder than words. And his actions speak volumes. He's not interested in making this relationship work, he's only in this for the convenience and stability that you bring to this union. No one wants to go through a divorce, face it, it sucks. But sometimes it's an evil necessity. Perhaps it's high time that you move on with your life so that you can finally be happy, and not miserable and worrisome all the time. A marriage is about two ppl working together as a team doing teamwork. Besides that you say you don't feel the same about him as you once did. He's toxic to you and your son. He can give you all kinds of empty promises and tell you lie after lie hoping that you'll keep believing him. Why be with someone if you don't love them and want to be around them, why be miserable just to have someone to be with. A very good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. His past behavior is very destructive behavior with the use of drugs and on occasion violence, not okay by any means especially since you have a young and very impressionable child in the midst of all this chaos. You need to make some tough decisions on what to do and where to go from here on out. You should do what's in the best interest of you and your son. This isn't about him anymore, it's suddenly now about you and your well-being. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
