QuestionI'm 32, and my husband's 34, we have two children aged 5 and 8.
I came home from work, just before the kids finished primary school at 4pm (British time) and found a note left on the stairs from my husband saying "Left home to become a down-and-out. The lifestyle's better. Not coming back. Sorry".
The note seemed very cursory, to say the least.
I can't understand why he's done this. He'd left his mobile here, so I can't contact him. His car was left on the driveway too.
I don't understand it - why would he suddenly become a down-and-out? It doesn't make sense. He had everything going for him - great job, great social life with friends, a family that loved him, and he never seemed depressed, so what made him do this I just honestly don't know.
I'm going to file for divorce, since there is some problem with him that only he can resolve.
However, it's the emotional issues I need help with - our children are too young to understand this, and will probably have to grow up WAY too fast in my opinion.
I also worry about seeing him when I'm in town as a down-and-out sitting begging for money.
How am I expected to deal with this situation effectively?
I spoke to my parents about it, and they're both concerned and angry, with my dad saying "This isn't right. Most men don't just do this!". In my mum's words, "it's a tense and disturbing situation".
I feel upset, and to cope, have tried counselling, but the counsellor who I discussed it with just had no idea how to help me, he admitted.
If you would be so kind as to please help me to the best of your ability (as it said so here on this site) I would much appreciate that.
(Disclaimer: I used my maiden name as a pseudonym for privacy reasons)
AnswerHi Jennifer~
Wow! He just up and suddenly w/o warning decided to leave everything behind and go live like a homeless person?! I can't grasp why someone would want to do that and to go to such as extreme. My first reaction is that he has some mental issues going on to do this, to walk off and leave everything you know and love behind w/o so much as a warning, or that he would've displayed some signs that he was thinking of doing such a thing. Maybe he's battling some depression that you don't know of and neither does he? Some times one can have depression and not know how to recognize the signs of it and to seek treatment for it either. It's really hard to say and honestly it's baffling that he could do this. With that said, given the situation you're in I can see why you're reacting this way, in confusion, disbelief, searching for answers as to why/how he could even do this. I don't have any more answers or reasons than you do.
The best way I can suggest for you to cope and deal with this is that he knows something you do not and thus he feels/thinks this way for some unknown reason. Perhaps did something happen to him that you don't know about? Or did he have some deep dark secret that he somehow wants to escape from and be out in the world where no one knows him or recognizes him to start over in life w/o having any or very few earthy possessions, etc. It's hard to say for sure. Somehow you have to learn to come to terms with this. And you have to know in your heart that this likely has nothing to do with you at all. It was a choice that HE made for whatever reason he had. You now have to pick up the pieces and try to explain this to your children and all that was left behind for you to deal with. This is a very unusual and sad case that someone would want to do this and actually go through it. He could be suicidal and he didn't want to tell you that, depression can make a person do things that aren't normal and completely out of character for even the most successful, happy person you'd ever know and meet in life. I had a friend do this, she took her own life b/c she couldn't cope with daily life and all the stress that life had put on her (she also had fought a battle with PPD--postpartum depression and was being treated for it pretty successfully), and we were all shocked that she committed suicide, we just didn't understand how she could do such a thing and leave her loved ones behind to try and pick up the pieces). Often times a person will have such inner turmoil that no one knows about not even their closest friends and family members, then one day they up and kill themselves and it's a shock to everyone involved. That's why it really sounds like a form of depression and he's just grown tired of the rat race of daily life and all the stressful things that come with jobs, home, children, family, friends, etc.
Try to be there for each other to cope and deal with this (meaning with family and friends), getting a good support system in place sometimes can make a world of difference when you're going through a particularly rough time in life. I hope this helps you some. Do the best you can and as time goes on you should be able to cope and deal with this a little better once the shock wears off.
