QuestionHi, my husband of 3 years has developed a drinking habit and
I'm worried it may have started to become a problem for us.
Every third night he drinks so much he passes out. He is a big
man and when he passes out I can't get any room in the bed so I
sleep on the lounge. Needless to say I'm fed up with the
situation.
When we discuss his drinking he says he's sorry, he feels really
bad that I have to sleep on the lounge or that he has behaved in
an inappropriate manner and he will stop drinking to that level
of excess. I believe he has the best intentions, however the
same pattern of behaviour occurs over and over.
As an example recently I had the flu and my back was out so I
was pretty uncomfortable. I was sick for 4 days and twice
during this time he got drunk, I couldn't get the rest I needed
and slept on the lounge. The first time I spoke to him he was
horrified and very sorry, he said he doesn't know why he did it.
Then not 2 days later he did the same thing!
My other problem has started to arise from repeatedly seeing
him very drunk and messy - I have lost any desire to be intimate
with him, and his repreated lapses into this behaviour seem to
show me he doesn't really care what I think or feel.
I need help to understand if his level of drinking is a problem in
terms of addiction. We have spoken at length many times about
his drinking. When sober and focused he can see that he needs
to tone it down but after he has one drink he can't seem to stop
until he passes out.
I love him and generally he is a good man. We have a pretty
good relationship except for this one thing. Unfortunately I
think this could be the one thing that could ruin it for us. I
would value your opinion to help guide me through this
situation.
AnswerDear Michaela,
Thank you for conacting allexpert.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
Well, I'm afraid that your husband sounds pretty much like the textbook alcoholic to me. I am very, very tolerant of people drinking alcohol and it takes a LOT for me to call someone an alcoholic. But in this case, I don't think there is any other option.
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do for him or to make him see that his behavior is hurting your relationship. It's one of those things he has to come around to himself. And the possibility exists that maybe he never will.
I have heard that Al-Anon is a good organization and will help you deal with issues that have or will come up. It will also give you an opportunity to understand that your thoughts and feelings are normal, and how to deal with his behavior. You might consider looking them up and seeing if you have a local chapter nearby.
As for your husband, I wish I had more to offer. Your choices are pretty much learn to live with his behavior or remove yourself from it. Neither is a pleasant option I am afraid. Only you know how much you are willing to tolerate. It is terribly obvious that he has a problem. You can't fix him. You can only take care of you and your future and your life. No matter how much you love him, you have to realize that you are entitled to a happy life. If you cannot have a happy life with him, then you have to decide if you wouldn't be better without him.
Check out Al-Anon.
R.M. French
