Questionon my Birthday 2 weeks ago i met an old holiday romance on facebook ( we were kids when we met ,about 14 ) he lives in the U.S.A. and i live in France !! the problem is I'm married and since i have been in contact with this other guy i can only think about him , I see my husband coming home and i get so annoyed because it means i can't spend time on facebook ( sad i know , I'm a grown women not a teenager !# I have two great kids ,15 and 6 and my husband is great .He helps out round the house does what ever i need what ever i ask , but he isn't and never has been a passionate man this guy on facebook makes me feel so Alive more than i have since i was a teen # I'm 34 now # .. Now I'm not saying i should leave my husband for this guy on facebook but i am thinking that i wasn't # need ) more than my husband can give . I know he would try if i asked him to be more passionate but it's not him so it would never work ..I'm frightened i know the grass is not always greener and if i left i could end up on my own or with someone half the man my husband is but can i keep going on with a marriage where there is no spark no chemistry . I do love my husband but not in the way a wife should ..at the minute when i am with him i feel bad for the guy on facebook and not the other way round !!! I think i am going mad ..Please some advice is needed as i cant talk to any one about this
thank you
AnswerHi Molly~
You're treading on thin ice when you're taking an interest in a man that you've not been with in several years and you virtually do not know him anymore. Besides he's not the same person that he was when you knew him from way back when. So he's not going to be what you once remembered and experienced back in the day when you were kids. It's been what 20 yrs now that you've seen him and interacted with him? That's a long, long time. Not to mention that just b/c your husband isn't passionate and super romantic doesn't mean this guy will do it for you or turn you on in the romance dept. There tends to be this fantasy idea that when a person finds someone that they once had a crush on or dated back in their younger years, that somehow things will work out somehow, or that they will still have that connection or a spark will ignite. Most of the time when that happens to a person it's wishful thinking, and b/c they have some marital of personal issues going on in their life. And they want an escape or someone to pay attention to them, take notice of them, etc.
The problem here lies in that you're becoming involved deeper and deeper with this other man on FB and it will only cause you more problems. I can't tell you how many times I've heard of FB ruining relationships and marriages b/c of ppl reconnecting with old flames and former loves. This other guy is occupying your time right now and this is putting a wedge between you and your husband, which could eventually ruin the marriage even more and do a lot of damage that can't be undone. Right now you're smitten with this other man and he's making you feel alive, happy and the newness of it is exciting b/c you're not getting what you need from your husband to feel this way. And honestly that is pretty normal in a marriage where you've been together for a while, and you've lost that connection with your spouse. That's why I tell my clients that it's very important to try and keep that connection with their spouse, such as talking on a regular basis about how you feel, what you're thinking, going out on dates and making time for each other, even if it's just a few minutes per day to talk and ask how was your day and so on.
With a busy life, kids, jobs, keeping a household running, errands, bills to worry about and the list goes on. It's so easy to lose yourself in the moment and not keep up with your spouse and to spend that quality time together. Marriage is a constant work in progress. It can be a lot of work and it is stressful at times, but that's life, it's full of ups and downs. You need to sit down with your husband and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. You don't have to expect him to be super passionate with you, or to wine and dine you or sweep you off his feet and act of character and do things you know is not in his normal personality to do. But you can tell him that you'd like to be surprised once in a while and for him to do special and/or sweet things for you, b/c honestly it's the thought that counts. Some guys aren't into being romantic and doing things for their wives. I know that my husband isn't, he never really has been and I certainly don't expect it either. But there are times that he will do something special or sweet for me that catches me off guard and I really appreciate it when he does that. For example: I recently threw away a belt that broke, and I loved that thing, so I went out and bought one, but it turned out to be too big and thick and I hated it. I finally found another belt that was satisfactory for me and I bought it. Well, just this morning I walked into the kitchen and on the table he had another belt for me. It surprised me b/c I thought he threw it away (I think it was already in the trash) and he had a friend special make me a new belt but she was able to salvage and reuse the buckle and the metal part that the belt slips through. I was thrilled and the gesture of it was one of the sweetest things he's done for me. It's really the thought that counts behind the things that a husband (or wife) does for their partner. That's my whole point here. Maybe his way of showing he loves you and appreciates you is through what he does for you, by taking care of the children and helping you out around the house. I think it's all in the way you look at things, and if you see them from a different perspective that can help open your eyes to things you may not otherwise normally see. If that makes any sense whatsoever. You should really count yourself lucky and blessed b/c not a lot of husbands are willing to help out or like to help out their wives.
Anyway, I think you get my point here. It's just a bad idea all around to become involved with this other guy on FB, in person or whatever. I think you should cut off contact with him so that you're not tempted to become even more involved with him and have a chance to have your feelings become more involved with him. I hope this helps you some.
