QuestionWhere to begin.. I've been married for 2 years. We have one child who is 14 months old. I will tell you my issues and give examples. My husband admits that he loves to argue, over anything and everything. So, there's problem #1. He also is very lazy, problem #2. He also hates being told he's doing something wrong or that he needs to step up to help with our child-that's the biggest problem.
I work days, and he works nights. He has our son 90% of the day. In the morning he will sleep through our son waking up because "he's that heavy of a sleeper" so I have to call him and wake him up. Then, he refuses to take the time to help our son feed himself (14 months old and not fully feeding himself finger food). Because he's tired from staying up late because "he just can't go right to bed when he gets home from work". I then suggested that 2 hours after breakfast he get out the finger foods I bought and work with our son on feeding himself. He never did it and now our son is back to screaming if you try and force him to feed himself. But my husband says he "doesn't have time because after lunch he has to get ready for work" My husband sits on the couch all day and watches TV while our son just plays. He never works with him on body parts, numbers, animals, etc. Just recently he was getting mad at our son because he was screaming, and not holding his sippy cup anymore and I suggested getting a parenting book on toddlers. I think it would help us because we are new parents and not sure what to do. He got really mad and said "well just don't expect me to do everything in the book" "what are you saying it's all my fault that our son isn't doing these things" I don't know what to do because I know that consistency is the key in raising a child and he wont do anything. I even told him I'd rather pay for a full day and day care because I know he'd learn more than if he stayed at home. But anyway, my husband argues everything I suggest, he jumps on the "it's always Matt's fault" and feels sorry for himself, and his suggestion is to just let our son grow up when he's ready and let him do things on his own. Which is fine but not feeding himself or holding his own cup which is something he should have done a long time ago.
I'm tired of arguing and being told that I can't get outside help for raising our son. He hates being told that he is doing something wrong and refuses to find a way to make things better. Please help!
AnswerHi Lisa - it sounds to me like the first thing the two of you need is a respite. While not ideal, I suggest you find daycare for your son for a month or so. You take him to either daycare or a relative for the day just until you get off.
Because honestly, it doesn't sound like being with your husband during the day could be very fulfilling or even safe for the baby - especially if your husband is a heavy sleeper.
So - do the daycare thing just to get some peace. During the month-long respite, talk to your husband and tell him that you wanted this time to get things in order so the two of you can figure out exactly how the baby is going to be cared for.
Here is a suggestion - take him to a morning only facility and have your husband pick him up at noon. By that time, he should be rested and able to properly care for the baby.
You also need to gently remind your husband that being a father has responsibilities. Do so lovingly and calmly.
If you will get some respite in your marriage, make new arrangements for going forward, and lovingly challenge your husband to fully participate in your childs upbringing, you should see some positive results fairly quickly.
Please keep me posted and let me know how things go.
David
