Question-------------------------
Followup To
Question -
My husband and I need marriage counseling, but we're having difficulty finding the right counselor. We live in the Atlanta area and there are hundreds of counselors listed. We don't know anyone who has undergone counseling, and we don't have anyone to use as a personal reference as a guide in finding the right therapist. In my research of the subject I have learned about "Emotionally Focused Therapy". This program appeals to me and I would like to find someone trained in this discipline for our therapist. I cannot find any listing on the internet of therapists trained in EFT. Any suggestions for how to find this type of therapist (other than going down the list and calling all the counselors in the Atlanta area)?
Also, there is a state university close to our house that is known for its psychology program. Might they have students who need to work with couples as part of their training? If so, how could we get involved in such a situation?
Any/all help you might offer will be greatly appreciated.
Connie
Answer -
Dear Connie,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
After I received your note I looked up Emotionally Focused Therapy since I was unfamiliar with it. From what I can ascertain it looks like a valid modality and apparently is well respected in the therapy field. It does look like it is more popular in England and Canada, which is why you may be having considerably difficulties finding someone in Atlanta who can help you.
I am wondering why you chose the EFT method over any other type of counseling program, however. Is it because you think that an EFT counselor will see things your way? Or, do you feel that a counseling method based on emotions will be more suitable for you and your husband?
It is very good that you two have recognized that you need marital counseling and are both willing to seek it out. Often couples are too "close" to the problems at hand and it takes the objectivity that counseling can provide to recognize the problems and determine the best approach to dealing with them. Don't, however, fall into the trap that you think that if you go to counseling that your husband will be forced to change to suit you. All too often people go into counseling with the wrong expectations. If you are willing to go to counseling YOU must be willing to change also.
Since I do not know your specific problems, I would be crazy to try to offer any specific opinions. In fact, I don't even know how long you and your husband have been married. But I can tell you, from years and years of experience, that there is a very good chance that your problems are not so different than those of the thousands of people who seek counseling every year. To be honest, most counselors tend to hear the same things over, and over and over again.
While it may be your preference to have a counselor who is trained in EFT, not having one does not necessarily mean that your efforts to obtain counselling will not be successful. Personally, I tend to recommend faith-based counseling because, in my opinion, it is better. If you are religious and do have a church or other religious institution that you attend, I would recommend that you contact the pastor to inquire about counseling services.
It is very difficult to choose a counselor without solid recommendations to go by. The best you can do, if you cannot find and EFT counselor in the Atlanta area, is to simply contact a few and try them out. I don't know that I would recommend the University however, since I believe that a lot of what makes a counselor good is EXPERIENCE. College students are simply going to be spouting the training they have received and do not have the experience or expertise to assess individual situations and circumstances.
Please always remember that marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement. In order to make a marriage work, both of you must give 100 percent. That means, also that you must give twice as much as you take. That usually means a LOT of compromises.
Best of luck to you in your efforts to heal your marriage. I hope that you are able to find someone who can help you understand and grow in love with your husband. Please feel free to contact me again if you wish.
R.M. French
Dear Expert French,
Thanks so much for your speedy and thougtful reply to my question. To answer some of YOUR questions, here is some background info: My husband and I have been married 18 years (together 20) and are guilty of not doing the work necessary to maintain a high level of quality in our marriage. There are no major areas of contention; rather a build up of everyday trivialities. I know our problems are no different than anyone else's. It's the typical stuff that goes with allowing ourselves to drift further and further apart. The major problem is communication. We already know WHAT we need to work on, but we also know that we need an objective third party to mediate. We've attempted to improve our relationship on our own before, and immediately got into trouble. The whole fiasco ended with a major shutdown, and we couldn't relate AT ALL for several months.
Emotionally focused therapy appeals to me because it follows an actual "program" with nine specific topics of concern (similar to an actual course of study with nine lessons). It is self limiting rather than open-ended, so everything gets dealt with in a predetermined time frame. It also appeals to me because the philosophy sounds remarkably similar to what I've learned from Dr. Phil's books and TV show. (I'm a HUGE Dr. Phil fan). In fact, I wrote to Dr. Phil asking for a referral to a marriage counselor, but - to date - I have not received a reply.
Maybe now that you have a better understanding of my motivation you will have some additional ideas for me. If not, that's OK. I still appreciate the help you've already given. Thanks bunches!
Connie
AnswerHi Connie,
Thank you for the clarification to your previous note. I can see from you reply that you are an intelligent and thoughtful individual who wants the marriage to work.
Eighteen years is a long time and people DO tend to grow, often in separate directions, over such a long period of time. It takes a great deal of nurturing and work to keep connected.
I am certain you are on the right path seeking counseling. It never hurts to work on communication, since that is what a good marriage is all about. It is funny how, after a while, we seem to loose the ability to really communicate with our spouses - or perhaps take it for granted, I am not sure which.
Dr. Phil is a wonderful resource and has helped many people in many areas of their life through understanding. I am not terribly familiar with his work because I don't watch TV, although I probably should read a few of his books so that I can be up on the latest trends. I do like Dr. Laura's book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands", and recommend it often to people who contact me through allexperts.com. Her philosophy is not for everyone, but I agree with her on many (not all, but many) issues.
I think that with your motivation and sincere desire to heal your marriage that you will be successful in your efforts. I think your husband is lucky to have someone who loves him so much that she wants to have a happy, and fulfilling life with him. I am most confident that everything will work out well for you.
Take care and keep me posted once your counseling begins, I would like to hear about it.
R.M. French
