QuestionMy husband and I have been married for 9 monthes and have had a disagreement about watching porn. He has told me the only way he would want to sleep with me is if was able to watch it. It has caused so many fights I lost count. I hurts me to know that he'd rather watch other girls instead of having sex with me. I've tried telling his that it bothers me and he gets mad at me because I have a problem with it. I've caught him lying to me about it, and even before we got married his drive for haveing sex with me has decreased. Recently we have had a baby and during the pregnancy I noticed that he wasn't interested in sleeping with me as much, and then after I had our daught it has gotten to the point that it goes weekes with out anything. Of course everythime I catch him watching it I get mad and it starts a big fight. Our last fight ended with his telling me that unless I lost the baby weight and toned my body he findsme discusting. So I asked him if that all happened if he wouldn't feel the need to look at these girls all the time. The answer was that he wouldn't but he would want to and would probably still watch it just not as often. I don't know if it's me with the problem. That I'm just dicusting or if watching porn and staring and talking about women with his friends right in front of me is something I should get over. He had a secret messenger he started a week after we got married and had local women or it. He says he never did anything with them or even met up with them. But when I signed to it when I found it one of them typed "wanna fuck me" before I said anything to them. The male friends he hangs out with are single and they go to bars. I think as a married man that he should give that lifestyle up. I'm not saying get rid of his friends, just you find other things to do together. I just turned 18 and he's 25 I'm not old enough to go to bars with his but when I asked to go with him and his friends when they are doing something that I might enjoy like a movie he doesn't want me there. He says he needs his time away. Since I've had my daught I almost never go out with friends I would just like to spend time with his or his friends and him. I just don't know what to think when I'm not allowed to go. My 6 monthes and she's old enough to be left with grandma. All I'm looking for is to know if watching porn like does is something I should be okay with or if I'm not wrong for wanting him to quit and start sleeping with me. I've suggested that when he does it if we could do it together and he never wants to. When I ask him why he does it he says he likes different women. But I've looked at the women he watches and they don't really look different. He pretty much goes after the same type. Women who nothing like me and even if I lost the baby weight I would never be that size. I've watched talk shows about this problem and all of the shows say that if it bothers your partner that you watch porn then you should stop. One show even said that it's a form of cheating when your partner is bothered by it. I would just like an opinion on weather or not this a normal male thing or if he really should quit because it hurts me and it's causing problems in our marriage. I know that men in my family personally aren't ad consumed in pron as he is. Yea they watch it but usually their wives are either watching it with them, or it's a thing they do every once in a while, but it's never caused them not to want to sleep with their wife. He says the people he knows it normal thing, they do it all the time. But I have tried to be okay with it and I just can't. I don't want him to lie to me about it, but I wouldmore than anything wish he would stop. I pretty much don't trust him anymore, and I get scared he'sgonna lie or cheat on me that I've pretty much do everything I can think of to trie to prevent it, such as I history on our computer everyday and I check his cell and emails. I feel stupid for doing it but I dan't want him to hide something for 5 monthes again and at the end I love him and want our marriage to work but I don't want to made feel stupid for not seeing it. I have been working out for about 2 monthes and have lost 14 lbs. but he tells that I still pretty much discused him. I gained 50 lbs. while pregnant but I'm down to 12lbs. before I'll be the weight I was before I got pregnant. I'm just afriad I'll still not be good enough looking for him to want me. He never told me I needed to loose weight before, so Idon't know what changed. Please respond back to my email so I can have your opintion on my situation. Thanks. Mandi.
AnswerHi Mandi~
For him to call disgusting is total BS!! You're the mother of his child. His behavior is just rude, crude and socially unacceptable. You shouldn't tolerate being belittled by his dispicable manners. And he should be ashamed of himself, plain and simple. You don't deserve to be treated this way, period. There's just no excuse for this at all.
The question is why is he acting this way, and what's the meaning behind this unacceptable behavior? Is he resentful of the fact that you got pregnant and you had a baby, when he wasn't really ready for it? I don't know, I'm hypothetically speaking here.
As for his porn watching it's just gross and wrong. Porn is degrading to women. And I can see why this bothers you when he watches it. Not only that, but he seems to totally disregard your thoughts and feelings on this subject. He knows you don't like him doing it, but he continues to do it anyway. Something needs to be done about this, or it's only going to get that much worse over time.
You can't make him change, if he refuses. He has to first acknowledge that he's got a problem, then he needs to stop doing it. If that means he needs counseling or professional help to stop viewing it, then so be it. The point is he has to want to do this, or nothings going to change.
There comes a time when a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here is when is your breaking point? Whatever decision you make it's not going to be easy.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
