QuestionHi!
I'm a 22 year old lesbian from Illinois, and I've been dating a dating a woman for three years (living together for one). Recently (i.e., last week), the Illinois legislature introduced a bill to legalize gay marriage in Illinois. So last night, my girlfriend suggested that if the law gets passed, that we get married (ikes!). The thing is, that she wants to get married because of the legal protection that it would provide us. We've talked about eventually owning property together, and maybe having children--nothing definite yet, we want to have some fun together and travel while we're young.
But she doesn't believe in the interpersonal contract of marriage--she says that she can "see us together as far as the foreseeable future, but she doesn't know what she'll want when she's 80", and that is all you really can ask of a person. She said that if getting legally married would change how I felt about our relationship, then we should reconsider our relationship all together (why, for instance, put so much stock by an institution that is denied to us right now anyway). Some how, though, I think that getting legally married would change how I thought about us--I don't think I could help it.
For me, marriage brings up alot of gut level reactions, and I would love to marry her--but for me marriage feels like it is a lot more than "just a piece of paper" or "legal rights". I guess too, that I'm confronting a lot of issues that I haven't really thought about before. I find that I'm asking myself, is marriage important to me? If I got married, what would be the reasons for doing so? Is it dishonest to get married without making a lifelong commitment? I don't know if I want to be divorced--divorce seems like a very scary word--so that leads me to the question of whether marriage is a "forever commitment" to me. I know that if I truly believe that marriage is an "Until Death Do Us Part" commitment, I can't enter into one with someone who doesn't feel the same way as I do about it. I don't know what I think of marriage--I never thought that I would have to consider it seriously some day.
Of course, this is ALL a bit premature since the law just got introduced last week, but I think its better to start really thinking about it now, especially since she "popped the question".
What are your feelings about marriage? Am I thinking about this in the wrong way? Any input would be appreciated.
Thank you so much for your time.
AnswerDear Brook,
Whether you are heterosexual or homosexual, marriage is not a very easy subject when it comes to being with one person for the rest of your life. Everyone has different views about marriage. Some people want to latch on to their mate in fear of losing them or for financial reasons. Some want to be like all their friends that are getting married because it is the right time and others could care less about getting married right away and could just do the same things as a married couple without all the paperwork and hassle. After 3 years of dating another one should know whether they want to spend the rest of their life with the other. It sounds as if she is wanting more of a commitment than you are. If you are unsure of wanting to stay committed to her for the rest of your life then she is most likely not the right person for you. This is your life and you only have one so if you are not positive than do not settle for second best. I've always said, "If you have any doubts at all, do not do it." When you meet the right person, everything should feel like it is too good to be true; it is like a fairytale. You may or may not have this with her, but if you do then maybe you should consider an extra long engagement.
Take care and write back if you need!
Kiya
