QuestionMy husband's behavior has changed. He won't talk with me anymore. He has begun a friendship with another women--both of them say it is only a friendship. She is married. She says her husband knows all about it. My husband is keeping everything from me and not letting me know about when they are meeting and being together. He says that he has done nothing wrong. We tried counseling it lasted 3 times. He won't talk about it and he doesn't seem to try and do anything to get our marriage back. We've been married for 18 years and knew each other for 5 years before then. We have always been perfect for each other----good fit, think alike, enjoy the same things etc. I think he is going through mid life crisis. I have asked him to leave so the kids and I can heal and get some normalcy to our lifes. I thought yesterday he was going to leave---he packed a bag and asked what happens next. Last night he shows back up at home and decides this is his house as well. It is eating me up----I would love for us to continue our marriage without the other women around---How do I get him to leave the house. What rights do I have? What should be the next step for us---divorce? Any words of wisdom would be helpful.
AnswerKaren: My first advice to couples in the situation you are in is almost always to work to save the marriage. In order to start that process, there are a few things you need to do;
1. Sit down with your husband and very calmly discuss what future he sees for your relationship. If he has hardened and says "None" - at least you will have your answer. If he says "I don't know" (which is likely), then you have an opportunity to get this process started. Share with him what you have told me - that you want this marriage to succeed, you want a happy and fulfilling relationship, etc. Ask him where he sees the relationship 60 days from now - a year from now. Does he want a good, solid marriage? Properly done, you can get him to recognize what he may be losing. Doing so gets him on "your side" of this battle. You need to be together on this.
2. Now - having established that you both want to work towards the same thing - each of you need to set boundaries within which you are willing to operate. For you, one of those boundaries is his relationship with this other woman. If he is serious about working on your marriage - he will sever all ties. And when I say that, I mean ALL ties. There can be no phone calls, no emails, no driving by and honking, no meals, NOTHING. That woman must totally and permanently be out of his life. If he does not, to me it's kind of like saying you want to be cured of cancer but it's ok if that tumor stays in your lung. END that relationship totally.
3. Buy and both of you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Farley. It is on of the best books on the wants and needs of husbands and wives and how we communicate and fill those.
4. I know you have been to counseling but you need to go back again. This time, let him choose the counselor - that gives him some equity in the process.
Bottom line Karen - both of you are going to be much happier people if you save this marriage than if you divorce and try to start over. Believe me, I have seen it too many times. Save this marriage. I promise you that, a year from now, you will glad you did. And if you don't, you will wish you had.
I do wish you well and peace in your life.
God bless.
David
