QuestionMe and my fiance are getting married this Nov.
We love each other and I get along great w/his family. We have been looking for a place to live. He wants a 2 fam house so we can get income to help out on the mortgage. Last nt he tells me that his parents are building an extra level to their house w/bedroom, kitchen w/ a seperate entrance...like a mother/daughter set-up. He says this is where we more likely have to live until we can afford and find something. I told him how upset I am that I won't feel like a newlywed but he says its for our good till we are ready.
My parents will be very upset and find it very rude...they are traditional "persians-iranians" and in our culture it's offensive. He says he does not need my parents permission but he would like to warn them of this situation that is most likely to happen. He is getting more and more stressed.
I told him I understand but my parents will still be upset. I want him to give me a time-line like I can't do this for more than 6 mths...but he said I can't say when we will be ready to move? He is a lawyer and says he is only comfty brining in $1500/mth and my job ony pays about $1200/mth.
He refuses to rent nor buy a tiny apartment.
He is stuck on this income idea.
AnswerDear Debbie,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
Personally, I feel that it is very important for a young, newly married couple to live apart from family for the purposes of bonding together and making a strong relationship.
I understand that your husband's parents are trying to help and give both of you a start, it is highly unlikely that after remodeling their home to suit you that living there would be a temporary matter. Most likely it would be more difficult to leave once you have been living there for any length of time due to feelings of guilt after then have gone to so much trouble and expense of creating the living area for you and your husband.
You husband wants to provide for you and this is quite decent of him. He does not want you to live in a substandard home or other living arrangement. However I believe that he underestimates the necessity for married people to be on their own. Often the years of being first married, even when struggling financially, are the fondest memories. It brings a couple closer together to have some adversity that you have overcome together. To have everything given to you does not give you the opportunity to face hardship together and become closer as a married couple.
It is my very strong recommendation to you that even if you must live in a tiny apartment or rent that you start out your married life together living apart from family. If your husband's family is concerned with this issue, they can assist you financially until your husband's salary increases. After all, they were willing to spend this money remodelling their home to accommodate you.
Explain to your husband that you need this time with him and although you very much appreciate his familiy's willingness to help that you would be happier in a smaller place alone with him.
I don't know where you live, but in most places in the United States (except the most expensive cities), you can get by on $1200 a month. Since he is a lawyer, certainly he will be making money in the near future.
I don't know if you will be able to convice him of this since he sounds quite set in his ways. If you cannot, you have no choice except to accept his decision and go along with his wishes. Please do not argue about it or cause hard feelings as this is not the proper way for a wife to act. According to most traditions, probably even Persian-Iranian ones, the wife is obligated to obey her husbands wishes even if she is not too happy about it. It would be wrong of you to cause hurt feelings just because you do not like the idea. Be kind and loving and if you cannot pursuade him then accept his decision.
Best of luck to you. I hope it works out.
R. M. French
