New Zealand Job Opportunity: Balancing Career Goals and Family Needs

Question
Hi,
I have the chance of a lifetime job opportunity to go to work in New Zealand, for at least 2 years.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have 2 sons, 20 & 21 years old. He says he doesn't want to go because: A. the boys. He feels they are unable to take care of themselves for 2 years.
B: He wants to be around them as much as possible.

We are currently in the perfect position for this move. Our house is selling, I have relocated to Seattle and he's on his way up here in June.

This job opportunity is the chance for me to do something huge with my expertise - even have an impact on how an entire country does business in this certain nitch.

No matter what I say, Rob just waffles on me. I wouldn't care if he didn't work for those 2 years. I have told him how important to me this is and why it's important to me.

He isn't taking me seriously and I can't understand it. I can't believe that he has dismissed this opportunity.

To add insult to injury he thought up an idea where he'd like to travel the US for 5 months and interview people - long story - anyway, he told me WHY I SHOULD GO WITH HIM and how it would be good for the boys to learn to take care of themselves!!! Which were my very arguements fo him to go to New Zealand!

I really am thinking of going alone.

I have to have my final answer ready this week.
I'm so frustrated with him. What to do?

Answer
Dear Joanie,

There are many options, but before I mention those, you and your spouse may want to speak with a trained counselor or go on a marriage retreat togther- it's amazing how you suddenly "hear" each other when you have to explain it to a third party! www.smartmarriages.com has a huge listing by state.

While it is not common, it is not unheard of for a couple to work "apart" for a while, even if that's in different countries. What it takes is a strong commitment to each other and the recognition to each other and yourselves that the choices you make are honest and important to yourselves as an individual. You can take the 2 years and do your dream job- take some flights a few times a year to visit, email, call, write, etc.... He can do the same- do his 5 months of traveling interviews. This maybe just the thing to excite your marriage after two kids. This is an opportunity of a lifetime for the two of you. I must say that if you feel you are on shaky grounds with trust and commitment then you should definitley speak to trained counselor. Resentment will destroy your and your marriage if you just "do it anyway".

You can work through this and make it a win-win situation, you may just need "mediator" to help you understand where each of you is coming from.

As far as your kids- I'sure they don't want to hear either of you say "i shoulda I could and I didn't because of so in so..." Happy parents make for happy kids (generally).

I hope this was helpful.