QuestionQUESTION: Samantha,
My boyfriend an I have been together for over 5 yrs. He is 38 and I am nearly 32. We were engaged after roughly 18mos, for about a yr. He left his wife soon after we met. He has 2 great kids and the kids and I get along great. I don't know the exact reason that he broke of the engagement, as he is not good with words and feelings. I think there were many contributing factors. Now he says that he doesn't know if he wants to get married again. I do want marriage someday. We seem to fighting all the time. It's like pulling teeth sometimes to get him to show any affection. I know he shows it in his own way, but his way is doing things that should be done in any human relationship. They're not personable, from the heart. I've asked him to at least buy me an engagement ring and that we can have a long engagement. I think that I'm not over the break off of the first engagement. I feel ashamed and like a failure. So many of my co-workers are getting married and having babies. I want that so bad and I want it with him. I know that I'm nagging him all the time and it's getting worse the more bitter I get!
Please help!!!! I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin our relationship!!!!
ANSWER: Hi Susana~
Are you sure he's officially divorced from his first wife? And if so have you seen the papers to prove it? Not to pry but this is one of those you have to see to believe it for yourself kind of thing. A person can tell you something all day long and it not be true. It's better to be safe than sorry too. He might take it as an insult that you don't believe or trust him. But he'll get over it or he won't, if not, well, then that's on him. And if after 5 yrs together he still can not commit to you by an engagement or marriage, then chances of him actually marrying you in the future are pretty slim. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you need to hear it. Statistic show that if a person hasn't been married in over 5 yrs into a relationship, then the likelihood of that happens is slim to nil. And if you were to get married, who's to say that the marriage would even last if a person has a hard time committing to you. Do you really want to feel that he's someone you've decided to settle for. When he can't return the same feelings/sentiments as you by wanting to get married and spend your life together, have children and so on. I would have a real problem with this if I were in your situation. I wouldn't and couldn't be with a person that would not commit to me by agreeing to an engagement and to a marriage with me. That would say to me that you're good enough to be with in a relationship, but I don't want to take that next step and make it official for you to be called my wife. I would be insulted and hurt. If a person didn't think highly enough of me to do that, then I would be out of there so fast his head would spin and he wouldn't know what hit him.
Do not feel that you have to go along with this and feel you have to settle b/c he's afraid or paranoid about getting married again. Some ppl that are divorced once will not want to get married again, that's their prerogative, but at the very least they need to let their partner know right up front. If a man can't commit to marrying and calling you his wife then he's not worth your time. Marriage is way more than a piece of paper (as some ppl will tell you). It's a bond that you share with someone you love and want to spend your life with. Not only that but it protects you should something happen to him (you'd be able to get survivors benefits and if you have a child together the child would get SSI for that too), etc. Do not feel like you have to settle or stay with him out of obligation. And don't think that marriage will change him b/c it won't. If he feels this strongly against marriage a second time, then he'll use it against you and you'll never hear the end of it if you were to have a fight about it. Be with someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated. Now, I'm not saying he's a bad person at all. I'm saying don't feel you have to settle for no marriage at all b/c he doesn't want to do it, for whatever his personal reasons are. You have to make that choice for yourself and no one else. Marriage changes a person for better or worse, it's a fact.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this relationship. If he still refuses to marry you, then perhaps you need to think about moving on with your life w/o him in it. And find someone that will marry you and not be afraid to do things with you. This is a drop dead deal breaker for a lot of ppl in situations similar to yours. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make--I can't stress that enough to you.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: You are right and I do see that. He now, out of nowhere, tells me that he doesn't want to have a baby. He knows that I really want to be a mother and it's as if he doesn't care. My god, just last month he was fine with it. I've told him that I'm leaving him. But I don't know how. I don't have the best support system. I have a steady job and really don't want to have to give it up, but my best friend lives 2 1/2 hrs away. I could go stay with her, but I'd have to get another job. Two very scary, life-altering changes may be too much. On the other hand, I don't think I could afford to live on my own. I don't have any family or a lot of friends where I am now. The one's I do have are married and have kids. I have a mini Chihuahua and 3 cats that have been with me over 10 yrs. I can't just get rid of them. I don't know what to do!!!!!!
AnswerHi Susana~
Okay, calm down and you must think this through. No one is saying you should just up and quit your job and move and give away all your animals. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to move on in life. If that means you bide your time and you stay with him a little longer with him, then so be it. Plan on what you're going to do and set aside some money for a move and prepare to be out on your own. Once you have something that you can live with and adapt to then you can make that transition when you're ready to do so. You want to do this right and not be unprepared and do it on a whim/rush into things b/c that will only make it that much worse and it'll be harder for you to adjust to change. You can do this, plan it out and work towards your goal of moving out and being self sufficient. That day will come just plan and be patient.
