QuestionQUESTION: Hi,
I am a mother of an 8 year old. Mine was an arranged marriage like most of them in India. I am city bred and my hubby is from a small village. I agreed to marry only because he is educated and worked abroad not in that village and i was told that he will take me with him. But finally he did not. Said he could not and gave me lots of reasons. I accepted it and without making an issue of it gave my very best to the marriage. I had to make a lot of adjustments as we werent compatible in the simplest of things. Our ways of thinking is very different. But over the years i completely lost my identity because i left doing things that i love to do because he doesnt want me to..and was obviously very unhappy. He makes an issue of everything. I never know what will give him a chance to bring up a fight. Well there are a lot of things that happened.. but to put it in a nutshell i have been mentally and emotionally tortured, have been physically and verbally abused and insulted. I put up with everything for years coz of my son. When angry my husband doesnt stop to think what he says or does. All this put a great distance between me and him. I could not communicate with him, wasnt happy with him whenever he came during his vacation. He is also very possessive and jealous. finally i left the house and am staying seperately along with my son. but sometimes i wonder if i should still have been there for the sake of my son. My son doesnt know the things i had to put up with there. I had been in depression and have now come out of it somewhat.
My problems with my husband exists since the very beginning. over the years it had increased and become very ugly. Moreover last year i met a childhood friend of mine after 10 years and we both are in love now. We are in a long distance relationship. He too is married and i dont want to break his family. But i am happy to spend what little time i get with him and love him dearly. now what do i do? My family wants me to go back to my husband. My husband also says he wants to get back. My affair is clandestine. And I will not be able to love anyone else the way i love him... How will i be able to live with my husband without any feelings? I never thought i was capable of getting involved in an EMA but i am now and i dont feel any guilt probably because he is my only love. Please guide me... I am very confused. And there is my son too about whom i worry. I love him too and cant live without him too.
ANSWER: Hi Meenakshi~
The most obvious choice would be to not go back to your husband b/c he's abusive to you in many ways, and that's just not acceptable no matter how you look at it. Your son will grow up thinking it's okay to treat with with disrespect, degradation, to demean them, etc. And he will continue your husband's vicious cycle of abuse. The most powerful role model in a child's life is the same-sexed parent. I'm sure you don't want your son subjected to any abuse in the household. If you go back to him, your son will eventually see and hear how your husband really treats you. He will then model that behavior towards you one day. So you should think long and hard before you go back to him. You do not deserve to be treated in this manner, ever.
I know that divorce in India is usually frowned/looked down upon. What this all boils down to is that he's abusing you and abuse is never okay, ever. You have to make some tough decisions and to decide on what's best for you and your son. To go back home and to continue to be in an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilling marriage. Or to seriously consider divorce and go through with it, and to begin to rebuild your life with just you and your son and be happy. That's a choice that only you can make.
If you opt to go back to your husband, b/c you're in love with this other man, the marriage isn't going to be the same. You'll always be thinking of this other man, and feel that you have to be trapped in this abusive marriage, and it does not have to be like this. You have that power to decide for yourself. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. I hope this helps you some.
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QUESTION: Hi thanks for the prompt reply. But i still have some queries. firsty i would like u to know that though it is true that right from the beginning me and my hubby werent compatible and he used to argue on everything, initially it used to be verbal. the first time it got physical was when i slapped him for saying something very bad. he retaliated and didnt stop with just returning the slap. but still i accepted my mistake that i shouldnt have slapped in the first place and forgave him for all that he did and said that day. but after that he has always been physically abusive and justifies himself by saying that i was the first one to raise my hands in our married life. And he also says that if i hadnt stopped communicating with him after the fights and put a distance between us nothing would have gone wrong.... so my question is ... Am i at fault for the relationship to go awry? Could i have been absolutely normal with him after the way our arguments used to get ugly? Should i have made more effort?
Secondly, I am now involved with a married man. He truly loves and cares for me and i do too though there is no chance of us having anything more than an EMA because neither do i want him to leave his family which is dependent on him, for me, nor has he ever suggested that. But i cant imagine my life without his love, friendship and guidance. Its been ages since i got to be so happy. Am i wrong to be happy with him like this?
AnswerHi Meenakshi~
No, you're definitely not at fault for this relationship/marriage going awry. He's the one that's responsible for his own actions just like you are responsible for your own. Whether you hit him, slapped him first or whatever, a man never has a right to put their hands on someone else especially a woman. Hitting is never the answer to justify a wrong doing. It can only make matters worse and lead to further violence and out bursts. He's wrong to say that you started it, so this is why he's continued to abuse you til this very day. That's a lame and horrible excuse for him to try and validate his violent feelings and tendencies. And, no, things would never have been normal with him to begin with. He's abusive, and abuse is never acceptable under any circumstances. I don't think there's really anything you could've done differently to make the outcome any better. He is what he is. In his mind he thinks that being abusive is the answer to things and to make stuff go his way. And clearly it is not.
Being involved with a married man is something that I can not condone. I don't agree with it. I don't think it's going to really make you feel any better than you already do at the end of the day. With the exception is that you get to feel like someone actually does care for an love you for a while. It only adds further complications to this whole ordeal. You can be friends, but you don't have to continue a love affair with this other man, even if you love him and can't see your life w/o him in it. You can possibly continue to be friends, just don't be involved intimately and so on. As long as your with your husband and he continue to abuse you, you will not be happy, only miserable.
