QuestionSo my husband (22yrs old) and I (24yrs old) have been together for 5 years married for 2 of them, He joined the military right after. He is deployed right now, our first deployment, and we are on the verge of divorce, everytime we talk we fight and then go for weeks without talking and then do the same thing over and over again. I'm alone on the other side of the country from my family and have 1 friend here that I only see maybe twice a month when she takes me to get groceries because I do not have a license because my husband would not teach me how to drive and just expected me to pass the test. The whole year before he deployed we had just moved to this state not knowing anyone and he would not pay any attention to me. He would go to work all day and come home only to play online video games and drink all night and that caused many fights also. I've found out that my husband has been doing drugs and going on dating sites and porn sites while deployed, which I've caught him on before we ever got married.. Caught him red handed sitting in front of the computer looking at it and he swore that he didn't do it.... His looking at porn and his constant lying and omitting has made me lose all trust in him, and I've turned into a paranoid loon. He has now also been talking to his exgirlfriends and talking to his guy friends about women that he would like to have sex with ( I was on the phone and he forgot when we went to go have a cigarette) So I heard this come straight from his mouth).. Which he also denies. And he knew my stance on porn before we ever started dating, I had a father that was a porn addicted and he split our whole family and did not act as a father should, I have bad self esteem and body issues because of that, I cannot tolerate this. I feel like I can never trust him again. I told him that if we were going to make our marriage work we need to be honest with eachother and that he needs to stop talking to theses women and stop looking at porn and all he says is that he's never done any of those things and I need to stop being so jealous and stupid. What should I do? What can I say Nothing I say phases him. I'm not getting through. He refuses counseling. He says that if have we children it would fix all our problems.. which I know it wouldn't. He is coming home for his R&R in Febuary for 2 weeks which would be only a few months before his deployment is over. And I have no idea what to do. Do you have any advice for me please ?
AnswerHi Daisy~
There is probably nothing you can say or do at this point to get him to listen to you and take you seriously. He obviously has major issues when it comes to drugs, porn, lying, etc. All very unbecoming qualities in a person. If he's constantly lying to your face, what else is he not telling that he's doing. I would be very worried and concerned about what he's up to while on this deployment. Marriage is supposed to be about support, love, care, trust and respect. He's incapable of any of those characteristics at this point. You can't do all of this in this marriage, at some point he has to step up and become your partner, your equal and help you out, otherwise this marriage is never going to survive. And I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's the unbiased truth based on what you've already told me. There is only so much you can do as one person. He has to do his part too. You can't make him do something he refuses to do. And that means changing to become a better person. He's being corrupted by drugs, porn and whatever else is influencing him to do bad things and to make poor choices in life. He's only going to bring you down with him if you continue to stay with him and endure this.
You need to work on yourself and get to where you love yourself more and to stand up to him and tell him you can not and will not tolerate being treated like a dog. You're not a door mat to be walked all over any more. You are human and you have feelings too. You do matter. So why continue to put up with this BS with him. No man is worth this amount of pain and hell he's put your through. It doesn't have to be this way unless you want it to be. It's not going to get better only worse. You have to see and realize this. I know it's hard when you love someone and you don't want to give up on them. But there comes a time and a place where a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here is when is your breaking point? When are you going to get tired of his nonsense? Only you can answer that and know that you'll have to make some tough decisions and choices in the time. You have to love yourself, or sometimes no one else will. You have to face the fact that you have to learn to love yourself and not put yourself down b/c you're only doing an injustice to yourself and the way others view you. And that's not okay. If he can't give you what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in this marriage. Then you need to be prepared to move on with your life w/o him in it. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
