QuestionQUESTION: Hello, I have been married for 38 yrs. I am 58. My husband has always had anger issues which he took out on me and our kids 3 or 4 times a year. He was always sorry and I always forgave. Even when he cheated on me at 4 yrs of marriage and 24 yrs of marriage. Two yrs ago, when I tried to talk to my husband about an appt I was going to have with an attorney regarding and accident in which I was hurt, my husband blew up and stopped talking to me. He didn't understand the strategy and took no time to listen. I had surgery three wks later and he never asked how I was. It has been two yrs now and he still doesn't talk to me. I have tried to patch things up but he is unresponsive and it seems that unless I move forward without him addressing what has happened, then he is not interested. I found out a yr into this, that he befriended a women whose husband just died and became totally immersed in her life, doing everything for her and becoming best friends with her. He secretly went away for 2 wks to the Fl keys with her and some other people in her very large RV. He also went away for 6 weeks with her to a place that was fixing her RV. He would do everything for her and stay and watch tv till midnight as well as shower there. He always says she is just a friend. I confronted her and she says the same thing. Even if this bizarre situation is true, I will not give up any aspect of my marriage to another women. I feel totally betrayed and my husband says I am off base in my thinking. I was in counseling for 8 months and they feel there is no hope, but when I went to a lawyer, my husband text me the whole way there, saying he was sorry. Then, when I gave him a chance to fix things, it was back to no speaking. I asked him two wks ago if I should give up, as he has NEVER approached me to fix things. He said not to give up, that he would talk to me someday. I said I've waited 2 yrs and would he talk to me in the next 2 days? He said he would try, but he hasn't. He said he will not give up his friendship with this women even if it means the end of our marriage because he will not have anyone telling him what he can and can't do. I don't know why I can't take the step and divorce him. I caught him there, mowing her lawn on May 31 and when I confronted him, he lost his temper and choked me so badly that I thought I was going to die. I went right to the attorney and he wanted me to call the cops. I didn't. We have 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren. I cant believe he is doing this to our family. He is gone from early morning till after dinner every day...I found him there 2 wks ago and I know he still goes there but I don't think every day. I think I know what you will say, but I don't know how to stop being paralyzed.
ANSWER: Hi Lynn~
Why are you letting him control you? Why are you putting up with this from him? He's an abuser and abusers love to control their victims. You have to stop being a victim and making excuses for him. He does this to you b/c you allow him to. He will keep doing this to you and pretending that things will change when you threaten to go to the attorney and file for a divorce. He stands a lot to lose in a divorce. He won't have you around to pick up after him and to take his crap, to push you around and to keep treating you like dog crap. Why are you doing this to yourself? Is it b/c you think you can't or don't deserve better? If that's your excuse then it's a poor one. I'm not trying to judge you or come down on you, I want you to wake up and see reality and just what your life has become in all these 38 yrs. Do you think this is okay the way he treats you? Apparently you do b/c you stay and tolerate it. He does this b/c he can and you condone his behavior. You say one thing to scare him back to reality but then you do another. He knows this and he plays you like a fiddle. He's got your number and he knows how to work you aka push your buttons. The thing here is that you have to say what you mean and mean what you say or he's never going to take you seriously or at your word.
This will go on and on for as long as you allow this to. He stays b/c he knows you'll continue to endure and settle for him. It's never too late for change and a change for the better at that. Abusers are cowards, they like to control ones that are weaker than they are. Bullying is not okay at any age, and this is what he is he's a bully. He degrades you and disrespects you b/c he can. I know I'm saying a lot of harsh things, but you have to come to the realization that you're the one getting played by him and you're the one that's getting hurt in all this. You suffer so that he can play. How is that fair? And why do you endure? Are you punishing yourself for some reason that you subconsciously don't know of? I don't know, only you can answer that.
The point here is that it doesn't have to be this way. If you want to leave him and finally be happy and leave him to his "friend" which we all know that she's way more than that to him otherwise he wouldn't be practically living there and doing all that he does for her. Then that's something that you have to do for yourself and no one else. If he can't give you what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in a marriage, then why in the hell are you wasting your time on him anyway? Just b/c you've been with someone for 38 yrs doesn't mean you have to live a lifetime of hell and to keep enduring just b/c you can. That's a bad excuse to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilling marriage. As for why you feel paralyzed it's normal to feel this way, it's all you've known for the last 38 yrs, so you've grown accustomed to it and therefore you settle for it. Again it doesn't have to be this way unless you want and allow it to keep happening. Everyone is sacred of change at one point or another in their lives. Hasnt' he beaten you down long enough and taken enough from you in the way of violating you by stealing your self-esteem, your hopes, dreams, your self-worth and most importantly your spirit. When does enough become enough and you decide to take your life back again, again only you can answer that. Take your life back and do something good with it, instead of being beat into a hole all the time and being made to feel worthless. No one controls you but you. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I think my great fear is that my life will be even worse. I do not have skills and have always been a stay at home mom. My parents divorced when I was 18 and it changed forever our family dynamics. I never wanted that for my children. I live an illusion. Aside from my children, nobody knows what my life has been like. I am isolated and have no friends. I stay in the house everyday, unless I see my daughter and granddaughter who live nearby. I don't even know how to manuever in life without being led. I feel crippled by this. I know that change must come from me, but I honestly do not even know what to do. I am so afraid of being this lonely and isolated for the rest of my life. His anger made it too difficult for me to maintain friendships, so for many years now, they have all slipped away. The tv is the only voice I hear. When somebody is so lost, how do they begin to build another life?
AnswerHi Lynn~
You have to explore that for yourself, if you are willing to take the chance. You must stop making excuses to leave him and to move on with your life. If you remain with him you will stay miserable forever and always. Do you really want that for yourself? I'd surely hope not. Change can be scary, but that's a risk you have to be willing to take to improve your life and to become confident with yourself. The longer you procrastinate the longer you will be with him and he keeps you his virtual prisoner, is that what you want? No more excuses to take up for him and to condone his behavior and you must not enable him any longer. You and only you hold that power to escape his torment.
