Understanding and Addressing Jealousy in a Long-Term Marriage

Question
Don, I have been married to a wonderful man for 26 years (in Feb.). We have 4 sons 3 which are grown. My problem is the last year my husband has been through a lot personal and health, but within this time he has become increasingly jealous. I work outside the home always have. Right now we work in the same building and occasionally he comes down to say Hi or stop in for a few minutes but if I am talking to a male customer or recieving shipments from a male he gets cold, or walks out trying not to let me know he's been there. This year I volunteer for a community project where we live it took up a LOT of my time and I therefore had NO time for my husband. He always knew where I was and what I was doing (and was ask by me to join) but when it came time to execute the volunteer project the main person that was volunteering was MALE, major problem. I have since quit that project not only for my husband, other reasons also. But thats not good enough, any little thing I do is wrong. I've threatened to leave if he doesn't stop but I don't want to I love him very much and this is hurting me beyond belief PLEASE help.

Answer
Hi Diana,

I think that perhaps your husband has been affected by the issues he may have had to deal with last year.  Perhaps he feels that he has lost something and therefor a touch of insecurity has taken root in him.

I'm sure that you can find some way of letting him know that after 26 years of marriage, and after having raised 4 sons, you have no intention of ever abusing his trust or love for you.  

I truly believe that when a loved one looks you straight in the eyes and mentions that 26 years of being together through thick and thin, it is a wonderful manner in which to reassure someone of ones ongoing  love and loyalty.

I believe that if you make it clear to your husband that he is hurting you immensely by assuming that you are untrustworthy and that he is doubting your commitment, he may realize that he is acting out of context.

You need to take a moment of your time, and go somewhere with him that is neutral, just the two of you and express your feelings to him in a calm and collective manner. Go for dinner somewhere you both enjoy.  Do not get upset, but express how you feel in the most caring way and tell him that you have not changed.  Make him understand that it is he who has changed and ask him how you can help him with this, but not to the detriment of your freedom of action or movement. His problem should not deter you from any undertaking that is not harmful to your relationship.  Just because he sees it as such, does not mean it is. If you have always been honest and open, ask him why he believes that you have changed your basic character?

Sit with him...I think he is in pain as well , but simply does not know how to deal with it. 26 years is a long investment and you both have a lot of time and emotion in this.

Tell him that you were chosen 26 years ago to be a witness to his life, and he to yours, and that this will not change.  Make him understand clearly that you still need interaction with other people without having the fear that he will misconstrue everything.  do it calmly and let him express his feelings openly.  Listen to him, and then speak to him. Tell him though that he cannot expect you to drop everything when he wants attention.  The fact that you married him  26 years ago should be a clear indication of how you feel about him if you are still with him.  Express to him that his behavior, as everyone knows already because it is a classic, can only serve to push you away over time.

I am certain that the 26 years you have been together will allow you both at least the luxury of that.

I hope you can find a resolve soon, because time is best not wasted with such matters, but better spent loving each other.


regards,

don.