Recovering from Abuse & Building a Strong Family After Divorce

Question
I was married the first time at 16 yrs old. it turned quickly to me being cheated on, and physically, emotionally and verbally abused. five years of that took allot out of me resulting in depression and anxiety. after 5 yrs of that I decided thats not what i wanted our 3 kids growing up with so we divorced. I have now been married for 8 yrs and with 6 kids (yours mine and ours) and him being a truck driver and only home 1-2 days a week it has been hard but we have made it threw because trust has never been an issue with us... until recently
When he proposed marriage he made me 3 promises not to ever abuse me in any way, not to cheat and not to smoke or chew ( I have a big hangup on tobacco after taking care of my grandfather while he died from tobacco related cancer)
four months ago he moved off the truck and we started working our pig farm full time. and him doing odd jobs here and their. My friend told me that her DH told her my husband had been chewing the last 5-6 months. I know its no big deal to most people but i feel so betrayed  I didn't even see he was doing it because i trusted him. he lied to me for months even though he knew the importance of trust in our relationship. I am literally sick over the whole thing. I feel like i don't know him and do not know if i can forgive him. I know it is one thing.  but how many others have i over looked. I'm trying but i do not think I can forgive him. Am I overreacting?

Answer
Hi Jamie~

No one likes being lied to, it's a betrayal of trust and respect.  So I can definitely understand how this is upsetting and hurtful to you too.  And you have every right to be angry at him for not telling you that he was chewing.  Maybe he took it up while he was still truck driving and it carried over into his odd jobs, etc.  I know it seems pretty common place for truck drivers to smoke or chew, I guess it's a way to pass time or to relieve stress or whatever.  But that's here nor there, the point is he choose to hide this from you and not tell you about it, so that's lying by omission.  You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him about this.  He needs to know how this is making you feel.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  When you talk to him do it in a nonconfrontational way, and talk calmly and matter of fact with him about how this is really affecting you.  Hopefully he'll listen to you and hear you out.  And together you can work through these differences.  Find out what led him to chewing, and if he's willing to give it up, b/c he knows how you feel passionately against none smoking and using tobacco products.  And you don't want to see him wind up like your uncle.  Try to be as supportive to each other as you can.  Now he may not want to give up the chewing, and you have to prepare yourself for this, b/c you can't make him do something he's either unwilling or unable to do.  This stuff can be very addictive too and be hard to give up.  Try to be understanding if at all possible.  I'm not saying you can't be upset with him or that you have to accept that he will continue using chew if he insists upon doing it.  But don't let this affect your marriage.  You've told him how you feel about it, and the rest is up to him if he decides to quit or not.  I think that forgiving him though is a must.  I say this b/c forgiveness has to come at some point from you in order for you to have inner peace and not be angry and carrying a grudge against him.  Lying to you is intolerable and it's inexcusable.  Forgiveness is for you, so that you don't have to bear the burden of what HE choose to do (even though he promised otherwise in the beginning of the relationship) and you can't bear the burden of his personal choice.  I know easier said than done.  The forgiveness is so that you can finally have peace and to move forward from this moment.  And you don't have to keep feeling the betrayal.  Forgiving also does not excuse the behavior.  It'll always be in the back of your mind somewhere what he did by keeping this from you.  It's all on how you work through it though that will determine on if you let this keep you an emotional hostage to yourself.  You have to let go and move on and try not to dwell on it.  But to answer your question.  No, I don't think you're over reacting or anything. I think most ppl would feel the very same way you are right now.  So that's totally normal for you to think/feel what you're currently experiencing.  It's all in how you deal with it from here on out that will determine what happens.