Question"I am 37 and live in AZ, my ex-husband is 44 and now lives in Australia. We were together for 6 years and divorced in 2005. It was an ugly divorce to say the least. There were no children, which was a blessing considering. I decided to get sober in April 2005, one week later I discovered my husband was having an affair. I had suspected it but he had denied, until he got caught red handed. In June 20005 he filed for divorce. I begged him to stay & dragged him to a therapist but it was too late. I have remained sober, attend 12 step meetings and have returned to school. I will finish my undergrad next year and hope to go on to earn a Ph.D.. I am proud to say I have grown up a lot and work very hard at living a good, honest life. In my drinking days I was selfish, bratty and vapid. I have become spiritual and grateful for everything. Life is good. Recently I emailed my ex and he responded. My email was about my deep regret that I was so difficult in the divorce and marriage. He responded with a kind email, saying he too was sorry and that he has never felt the way he felt for me before or since our marriage and doubts he will. He is the only man I have ever loved. I responded to his kind email and thanked him. My heart is telling me I want to rekindle the love, but it seems impossible. Is it? He will return to the States eventually, his job moves him every 2-3 years. How do I know that he might be interested? I'm trying to not get my hopes up but I can't help myself. Given all the change in me would it even work? I know he has to have changed too. Giving me an apology was new behavior. I also wonder if I could ever trust him again. At the time of the divorce he said he cheated to make himself feel better. I asked if it worked, he replied Yes. That creates doubt for me. Today I believe people have a right to be happy. In doing so they can hurt others, as I was hurt. But I don't really blame him. I was a handful. Living with an alcoholic is no day at the beach. I don't think people intentionally hurt others, most are good souls just sometimes make really back choices. Am I way ahead of myself here? I think I might. What are the statistics for remarrying an ex-spouse? I hear it happens all the time but I am skeptical. Does this have a chance or am I fooling myself?"
AnswerHi Amy~
I would actually discourage someone from rekindling a relationship with an ex. After all he's your ex for a reason. Just b/c you were an alcoholic doesn't give him reason to cheat on you. He made a poor choice in deciding to do that. But it's a start though that you both apologized and forgave each other. That's a step in the healing process for both of you. Which you need in order to move on with your life.
That stats for remarrying are pretty low (of couples that actually can make it work and remain together). That's why it's not worth it due to the past you had together. Besides ppl change over time and he's probably not the same person that he once was either. And perhaps he really did change for the better who knows. At that distance and talking to him online he can tell you whatever you want to hear. You have a good sense to be skeptical about this too. B/c chances wouldn't be in your favor of it actually working out, if you did ultimately get back together.
And with him being someone that you only ever truly loved and had feelings for, it can make getting over him harder, thus adding to your thoughts of possibly getting back together with him. So what I'm trying to say is that it's not uncommon in a situation like yours for you to still have thoughts and feelings for him. It's normal really.
With all that being said, of course, it's not totally impossible for him to have changed for the better and for the slight chance that you could actually work it out and be together in the end. However it would take a lot of commitment on both parts here. You'd have to be willing to do whatever it takes to work the relationship out. And you'd both have to be supportive of each other too. But you have to be willing to go into this knowing that it might not work out. So is it really worth all the heartache you've endured and might endure if you want to become involved with him again sometime in the future? If so, then that's a decision you have to be prepared to make. Only you can determine that and what's really in your best interest when it comes to your ex-husband.
