QuestionHi my name is marilize I'm 27 years old I've been in a relationship for 6years staying together for 4years,my fiance is 44 years old,his been married has two kids, his wife left the marriage and took the kids,wen I met him he was a mess, but things changed, we have been engaged for 3years we love each other so so much but the problem comes out now when I confronted him what does he want honestly,does want to get married, does he want children?because we can't prolong this any longer. And to my surprise he said NO to both questions, he is scared to have kids and to be married because of his age,he does not want to loose me,and he does not want waste my life beacuse I'm still young! He says I'm the love of his life and does not see anyone then me in his life..I don't want to loose him aswell, but after all these years how can he tell me this now! After his propsal,and future he wants for us. I want to be married, I want to have a child! I'm so confused and and don't know waht to do! Please help me understand what to do!
AnswerHi Marilize~
If you're dead set on having children and being married, then you have to tell him that marriage and having a child or children is a drop dead deal breaker for you if he can't agree to it. Then you'll be forced to move on and find someone that wants children and marriage just like you and who would be more than willing to accommodate you for your desire/need to have marriage and a child(ren). I can understand him being scared and not wanting to have more children and even being wary about marriage again. He's been burned once before and he's afraid of going down that road again and being a failure. These are very common and valid worries for someone in this type of situation. He has to realize and get into his head though that you're not his wife, you're nothing like her, and he can't substitute her actions for yours and assume that he'll end up getting burned again. It seems as though he has a trust issue with women b/c of all that he's been through lately, and that's understandable too. However, he's been with you for over 3 yrs now and has gotten the chance to know you and to see what kind of person you are and how you treat him and interact with him, etc. So what he sees is what he gets. It'd be unfair to you if he asked you to stay and to give up your dreams to have a child and to be in a marriage with him, if he's not wanting to or even remotely ready to take that on again. And vice versa, it's not fair to him if you expect him to marry you and have a child with you, if he's totally against it, for whatever his personal reasons are.
This is why it's absolutely necessary to have a plan and to sit down together and to discuss things like finances, children, marriage, home life, etc, etc before you agree to marry someone. You have to be on the same page about what you're thoughts, feelings and expectations are on things in life (such as what I listed above) and to learn to come to compromises on things that you don't really agree on, and to work out any differences or short comings you both may have as a result of things these things that need to be discussed. Don't feel you have to settle for something just b/c he's not interested or has no desire for marriage or children. Don't substitute his feelings and make them yours, if you aren't in 110% agreement with each other, b/c if you do, one of you is going to end up regretting it and one day resenting the other. And that wouldn't be a good thing at all. This is something you and he are going to have to discuss further and come to agreements on and try to work it out. And if you can't, then maybe it's for the best if you do move on with your life w/o him in it. Sometimes we have to make some difficult and tough choices in life, but you do what you've got to do though. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
