QuestionMy husband and I are newlyweds; We've been married since August. I love my husband to death; but like most marriages we have our problems. I'm not sure where to begin...
My husband has a serious trust issue over me; even though he won't admit to it. He makes me promise him constantly that I won't ever hurt him; he gets upset and worried if I talk to my male co-workers; and it usually turns into a fight. I don't really go anywhere without him; not to the store; not to go tanning; the only place that I go without him is work. I've never given him any reasons not to trust me; and I would never hurt him like that.
It's causing me to be concerned now; I constantly check his email; his facebook etc. I've never found anything to be concerned about; and I know deep in my heart that he will never hurt me. Every time I approach the subject it turns into an argument. I love my husband with all my heart but I'm not sure how to handle the situation, and I'm scared it will ruin my marriage.
Thank you
Lyndsay
AnswerHi Lyndsay~
It's not realistic to say that you won't ever hurt each other at some point in the marriage. As everyone gets their feelings hurt by something sooner or later in life, it just happens and unfortunately there is no way to avoid that. It's a part of life b/c life isn't always fair. Anyway, with that said, you can learn to communicate with each other on a regular basis about how/what each other is feeling and thinking. This way you work together to work whatever the problem at hand is, and it can end up bringing you closer together in the marriage. He's very insecure for some reason, whether it's due to him being hurt in past relationships and he's afraid of it happening again, I don't know, I'm just guessing this might be the case for him or at the very least he's had some very unpleasant experiences in life to make him feel this inadequate, paranoid, etc. This is very unhealthy behavior for him to display, it can also lead to depression issues, etc. A person can be depressed and not even know it.
He has to face the facts that this nonsense has got to stop, he may not want to hear it, but he HAS to and be determines to resolve this problem he has with insecurity within himself, worried about being hurt, etc. You can't promise him that (meaning not ever hurting him and vice versa) b/c the inevitable of hurt will happen in life. You also have to stop enabling him to act this way. If you enable him then your giving him more power and permission to keep doing just as he's been doing. You also have to have your own space and time to yourself. It's very unhealthy to constantly be with your spouse, I know this can make it hard when he wants to be with you 24/7 my husband is like this too, but I have boundaries and lines that he's not allow to cross, I need my space and time to breath and think alone. Otherwise, if you cater to his every need and whim, how is he going to survive (God forbid) something ever happens to you. He would be an emotional cripple and not know how to cope w/o you in his life/world. Do you see what I'm getting at here? I'm not trying to come down on you nor to judge either of you b/c that's not my place to do. Rather I want to give you some constructive criticisms you can think about and take to heart or at least consider what I'm saying here.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He need to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Something has to give. You can't keep tolerating this behavior and treatment from him. If you keep allowing it then it's a guarantee that he'll keep doing it to you and that's promise. Since this seems to be interfering with his daily life and functioning, you might suggest to him that he seek some professional help. The bottom line is that if this behavior continues by him he's going to end up pushing you away and you'll end up resenting him and this will ultimately cause a breakdown in the marriage, which, of course, isn't a good thing to happen at all. You have to confront him about this and give him reasons why you can't keep living this way (no one can live this way and truly be happy deep down inside), and nows the time to do it b/c the marriage is so fresh and new still. There is hope for you both, but you have to act now as opposed to later. The longer you let this go and do/say nothing about it, the more miserable you will become, mark my words. I've seen this situation too many times and I can tell you the outcome isn't good if this keeps going on. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. I hope this helps you some or gives you a place to start.
