Question
My husb & I lived in together 2yrs prior to marrying last Dec. This would be our 2nd marriage as we were married to others 8 & 13 yrs. I'm 38 and 39 this coming month & he 43. He has three boys 14, 13 & 11, I in turn don't have any. At the beginning of the year I fell into a major depression do to compiled stress that I had from work (5yrs) & to my new steparenting role challenges with my husb & kids. Well, family life at home was gradually falling into place as I was slowly coming out of the depression and getting the home together (chores, cooking, completing my degree p/t,etc.) I became so stress-free with my new role as a wife-homemaker and weekend stepmom that I became pregnant after 5 months of leaving the job. I was really excited, because I thought I couldn't have children after years of attempting. I was looking forward to being a great mom, homeschooling, the works!!!! Unfortunately, my husband did not share the same enthusiasm due to apt. space, and money issues since I'm not working now (he's very unhappy that I'm not bringing $$$) I told him to have faith; the Lord will provide and besides the kids will soon be going to college and they are exempted from paying tuition due to his position in the univ. and in a couple of years he doesn't have to pay the huge pension he pays (1/2 + of his salary), also I'm beginning a p/t homebusiness. Unfortunatley, I lost the baby at two months of pregnancy and was very sad, but at the same time at ease because now I know for sure that I'm fertile and can try again. However, my husband although sad for me for the loss of the baby has insinuated that he will not have sex with me and is thinking on having a vasectomy to avoid me getting pregnant. I'm drowining inside!!!! I don't want to talk to him!!!! I'm angry, furious about my husband's insensitivity and selfishness. He knows what it is to be a father, I in the contrary felt what it was to be a mother only the first two months when I had the fetus in the womb. He continues insisting that we are too old, money is not enough, that he doesn't want to deal again with diapers and baby food, etc. He says he is at an age where he wants to accumulate money (for better life and his future clone), have his kids raised and out of the nest, travel and retire in 20+ yrs. When I got pregnant it was an unforseen incident and thus he had no choice, but since now we know for sure that I'm able to get pregnant, he refuses to father any more children. He said that if I find a logical reasoning to have another child I would have to convince him of changing his mind. I still have a little hope to change his mind and he is hoping to change mine. I love him, and I know he's afraid, but the way he's acting -his actions are speaking louder than words. I believe he's just using logic for his reasoning, while I'm using my emotional buttons love and hope.
I emphatize with his reasoning, I believe he's afraid, but if he decides to do a vasectomy I don't think I would be the same loving wife. Although, his action could be a call for divorce, I don't believe that is the answer either, we don't want go there either. He is a good and responsible father to his kids, and in other areas he is a very pleasant and loving hubby - at time as dry as an egg without salt, but now that I know I can conceive is only fair that he try to understand my situation -I'd like to have my own as well. There are no grandchildren on the side of my family and my family were looking forward to that child. Why can't he understand how important is this discovey to me?
I don't know what to do. Does this situation call for tough love -an ultimatum maybe. Or is his thinking reasonable. I would have though it was reasonable thinking, If a woman couldn't conceive, but now after tasting motherhood I can't agree. Am I leaving a fantasy? Am I being an unreasonable, selfish woman.
I'll be looking forward to your response, thanks in advance
Amanda
AnswerDear Amanda,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I realize that for many years you were under the impression that you could NOT have children, however, in ANY marriage situation, this is a topic that should be discussed at length before marriage. One of the biggest reasons for divorce (after money), is children. Mainly because people seem to avoid having this discussion until, as in your case, it is too late.
After being a part time step mom to three near-teenagers, I cannot even imagine why you would want to have children. However, your letter indicates that you do, so I will address that issue.
Your husband has the same right to not want children as you do to want them. He has already raised three kids and is financially still supporting them. This is a huge financial responsibility and an emotional burden and I can fully understand why he does not wish to start the whole process again with more financial responsibility and emotional burden in the form of a new baby.
Having a child is not all that it is cracked up to be, as your husband undoubtedly is aware. It is a huge responsibility that is fraught with turmoil, frustration and a substantial amount of misery. Having never had a child of your own, you don't understand this, but your husband does. You already have a history of depression. Having a child can compound this issue to the point where medication and psychotherapy might be necessary.
There are also health issues involved. Most women don't realize that even in this modern age, that seven percent of pregnancies women die in childbirth.
I support your husband's decision to have a vasectomy. If you were so adamant about having children you should have made this issue known to your husband before marriage. My recommendation to you is to love and enjoy your husband and appreciate him for being a good father to his existing children. If you simply cannot survive without a baby in your life, I suggest that you get a job at a nursery school or volunteer your spare time at the obstetrics department of the hospital - better yet, volunteer your time to care for severely handicapped or retarded children and perhaps then you will appreciate that you can go home every night to a pleasant, quiet atmosphere with a loving husband waiting for you.
Best of luck.
R. M. French
