QuestionHi. This question involves my husband, but it also involves his mother. Actually I have a few topics to cover in this email. I hope you can help. Well Ill start off by saying that my husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we have a 20 month old son. We get along pretty well for the most part. I am a stay at home mom, and I dont really think that my husband appreciates what I do, which I guess is pretty common. Anyway, he would like for me to have a job, and right now I am doing a medical transcription course, and hope to get a work from home job when I am finished. In the meantime though, my husband makes jokes about me not having a job, and I feel like his family kind of thinks I should be working also. I think this may possibly be one of the reasons that his mother does not seem to respect me. Whenever I am around her, she seems to make rude comments about little things, and sometimes she does this to me in front of others. For example she got annoyed at me because I put back a carton of ice cream with just a small scoop left. She looks straight at me and says "who put back the ice cream with just this little bit in it, you should have just finished it." She made sure to let me know just how awful it was that I did this. Then another time she left her beans on the stove while she went out and I stayed at their house. I didnt know she was cooking the beans and they got burnt. She said "I told you I was cooking them." Well she didnt. Then later she tells my sister in law that we would have had beans "but no one was watching them." That seemed a little passive aggressive to me. These are just some examples of things she does that bother me. I know they may not seem like a big deal, but when its just constant I start feeling like she really has a problem with me. Then when it comes to my son zach, she of course has a different view from me on everything. I am very cautious about things, while she is a little too laid back. She tells me things like oh you dont need to cut up his food, he can eat it whole. I know by common sense that this is not smart. So shes always telling me her opinion on things, which is to be expected I suppose, but then when I disagree with her about something, she seems to get annoyed. Sometimes she will even kind of ignore me or just go off by herself for a little while. My husband told me that she feels like I dont like her and when I disagree with her on things concerning my son, that I am somehow saying that she is a bad mother. I dont know where she gets this from. I try my hardest to be nice to her, but it doesnt seem to make a difference. Now, with my sister in law its a totally different story. My sister in law has a job and makes good money. So, my mother in law treats her very sweetly, and calls her her sweet little girl, hugs her, makes foods especially for her, etc.. She does all this in front of me and I feel like its to show which daughter in law she prefers. I do not expect this kind of relationship with her because i know that my mother in law and I dont have much in common, as she said herself one time, but I think I at least deserve some respect from her. She is not respectful in her comments to me. Its almost like she wants to pretend that I am not around. She will ask my husband, his brother, and his wife if they would like something, some kind of food, etc, but doesnt ask me. She directs questions at my husband when he is there. She even will take my son out and tell me shes going to take him somewhere, without even asking me if I mind. I have told my husband how I feel about all this, and he says he understands, but he hasnt done anything about it yet. One time he said that he and his mom get frustrated because I am so paranoid.. I can be overly cautious when it comes to my son, but I dont think thats a reason for her not to respect me and my opinions. Well, I think that explains most of my problems with her. Im sorry this email is so long. Thanks so much for your help!
AnswerJ,
Well there are a lot of things at play here, but the simplest way to describe it is using the term 'family circle.' If you can imagine a stone dropped in some water there are concentric circles migrating out. Your own personal self and wellbeing is in the center circle, your husband and child are in the next circle out, and then people are either in the next circles out or not. Each circle is a wall, we either let people inside or hold them out. Mother-in-laws can be tough simply because they have more life experience, more child rearing experience, and more experience with your spouse. So you can either let her into a circle or keep her out until she becomes less hostile. I always tell people, silence is the best weapon, so if you can avoid her, do so to all extents, let him and your son visit her on their own, and you find something else to do for the day. If she confronts you, just tell her when she becomes more supportive and friendly, you will resume a normal relationship. As for your family circle of husband, son, and you, you have to decide if you are struggling to get by, and whether to get a job or not. It is hard for one person to carry a family these days, and put children in daycare for someone else to raise, but that should have been discussed before your son's arrival. Imagine your mother-in-laws family circle, she has you one circle out from where you want to be. In order to jump one circle in work has to be done, and your husband is probably the key player in both your's and mother-in-laws circle structure. Let him know how you feel and how you'd like to proceed. Your mother-in-law will cop on pretty fast when you don't show for a few functions, and your husband should stand by you and explain. But if he isn't feeling financially supported by you, within his own circle, he'll have a hard time supporting you with his mother. So build some well being within the couple circles you can control, and then let it eminate out, and see what happens.
Bill
