QuestionHello Mrs French
Your advice on previous questions inspired me to write to you. I am a 30 year old man. My wife and I have been married for 3 years with a little baby boy of 1 year. We knew each other for about a year before we got married.
Since we got married, we have had issues with a few things. One of them was Sex - she just doesnt seem interested . I knew that she needed some time, and also kept myself celibate during her pregnancy and for 6 to 7 months after that. But even now, after 13 months after her pregnancy, we dont have a healthy sexual relationship. We do it maybe four times a month or so ? I dont thinks its healthy, and she usually finds some excuse not to do it.
Secondly I dont find her caring and loving towards me. I am an emotional kind of person. While I can be very strong on the outside and deal with a lot of things, on the inside I need a lof of support. Thats all I expect from her, but never get it. Am I being too unreasonable. And of late, I am working towards getting an MBA. I have been preparing for the GMAT which is an exam needed to qualify to a good business school. I flunked the exam the first time. My wife hardly seems to care about such an important goal in my life. She only gives me lip service - like she asks me how it went, but I know its very shallow. Then this weekend she just went to her mom's place when we agreed to talk abt this - i had asked her to help me out with my prep , i am retaking the exam. I needed to talk with her and share a heart-to-heart, but she's not here. I feel this most of the time, and I have shared my feelings with her. I have tried various things like going out with her, liek we did before, dinner dates, movies, but it just seems to work only for that date. Then we are back to the drawing board. Both of us work, so I know she also gets tired. But I have made sure that we have sufficient help with the baby and the cooking. Though I think she understands what I say when we talk, I dont see a change. I almost give up, but then think about the baby. What should I do to make this work ? Isnt it fair for me to expect her to share at least 10% if not all of the passion that I have towards my goals? She is too casual most of the time, while I am a little serious abt life. Please help me. Time and Patience are both running out
AnswerDear Steve,
Thank you for contacting me again about this situation.
It is obvious from your letter to me that you and your wife are definitely not on the same "wavelength". Again, however, it boils down to communication. I see that you are trying to communicate with your wife, but it seems that she is not cooperating.
Apparently, she does not care very much about your goals. Although it would be NICE if she did, and if she were as excited about them as you are, however, it is not realistic to expect someone else (even your wife), to feel the same level of enthusiasm that you have about your goals in life. I would say that if you ask 100 men if their wives are "excited" about their life's goals less than 10 of them would say yes.
However, being excited about your goals is NOT the same thing as giving you strong support. THAT she definitely should be doing. Even if she could care less about any of it, she should love you enough to support you and help you any way that she can to achieve your goals, whether she cares a fig about them or not.
Let me give you a little insight about female biology. Maybe it will help you understand what is going on. Mind you, this is not a proven scientific fact, but through my years and years of counseling, it is a theory I have develope and I think it goes a very long way to explaining female behavior
Biologically, all of humanity has been given a very strong urge to reproduce. It was instilled in us in order that we would continued the species of mankind. It has been proven in the laboratory that the sexual urge is stronger than the need for food or any other necessity of life. In the human male, this urge is demonstrated by a strong sex drive, since it is the males "job" to provide as much sperm to as many potential mates as possible (I am speaking in a primitive society here, not in today's world). The human female, however, has a different agenda. The purpose of the human female in the reproductive scenario is to raise and nurture the family.
Consequently, in the courting phase of a relationship the man exhibits certain behaviors with the intention of doing his biological job. And the woman, exhibits certain behaviors to do hers. During this phase a woman will seem very excited and interested in anything that the man says or does. Her objective is to get married, settle down and raise children. His objective is to reproduce.
Unfortunately, both parties rarely understand what is going on. And once the marriage occurs, everyone becomes diappointed that the behavior changes in both parties.
Most notably, after a child is born, the woman's agenda has been completed and she is absolutely no longer interested in pleasing her husband and her entire focus becomes the child. She will justify her lack of interest in various ways. Statements such as "you take me for granted" or "I'm always tired because you don't help me around the house", are usual comments that one hears during this phase.
Also, there is always a substantial drop in sexual activity because, in the woman's mind the husband's job is done and there is no longer any need for it. Besides, most women will deny this, but other than for reproductive purposes, most women don't really enjoy sex, and certainly not to the extent that the man does. The insane sexual activity that most people experience when they first "fall in love" is simply nature's way of ensuring a pregnancy, again for the survival of the species.
I expect that the reason that your wife is so cold to you is that she "resents" that she does not and cannot feel the same butterflies-in-the-tummy feelings that she experienced when you first met. She thinks that this is a result of the way that YOU TREAT HER. She does not understand that it is a natural progression of a normal relationship and no ones "fault".
Sadly, there is no real way to make a woman understand that those types of feelings are just hormonal. Many woman will leave a relationship (or have an affair), simply to regain those love-crazy feelings. Women who distain sex will suddenly become sexually active with another man because he "makes her feel alive", when, in actuallity it is simply the same process happening all over again. Within a few years she will be equally bored and unsatisfied with that mate - especially if there is a child born of the relationship. Smart woman figure it out, dumb ones continue the process, sometimes having three, four, five or more husbands/relationships before maturing to the point that they understand what is going on.
I wish that I had a magic pill for you! But things will not change with her unless SHE wants them to change. I might suggest a book for her to read. But it will be difficult (or impossible) for you to get her to read it. It is called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. If you can get her to read it with an open mind, it might help considerably.
You might also consider talking with an attorney about protecting your financial assets in the event of a divorce. There is no reason for you to be homeless and destitute because of this situation. In a divorce, the woman always comes out on top, so a wise man will prepare as much as possible in advance.
As for your child. It would be unfortunate if he were to grow up in a broken home. However, you can work very hard to do the best you can as an absentee dad. Even if you were to stay together, most likely your wife would be raising the child with little input from you anyway (other than financial), since again, that is the programming for the human female. The male is simply there to provide support and protection and to help around the house - usually the women make all the big decisions about the kids.
Anyway, Steve, best of luck. I always feel terrible when I read these kinds of letters because I know that the woman is so clueless about what is going on, and it usually ends in a divorce and heartache all around. I hope that somehow you can work it out.
R. M. French
