QuestionHi.
I am male, age 39, and have been married
for almost 13 years now. We have a 5 year old son. We are both Catholic. The issue is that
my wife has a drinking problem. She is not an alcoholic, but drinks enough to upset me.
Nothing bad happens when she drinks, but her personality changes for the worse, and I do not
like that. She will not stop. She says she is doing nothing wrong, and that she keeps up with her responsibilities, such as being a good housewife during the week (she works weekends).
Yes, she does keep the house nice, cooks nice meals, and transports our son back and forth to school, but she doesn't see how she changes when she's had a few drinks. My son is too young to notice, but the change bothers me. I have tried for years different ways to get her to stop, and just recently I have basically given-up and resigned myself to the fact that she will never stop. I mentioned counseling, and she refused.
I feel that I need to put up with this forever,
because the only way I can avoid it is a divorce.
A divorce would be awful, because our son is very close to both of us, and would be deeply hurt. Also, we would lose our house, and go deep into debt with lawyer's fees, plus a bitter custody battle would surely ensue.
What should I do?
Thank you.
AnswerDear Andrew,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I have one comment and one suggestion with regard to your post.
First of all, the comment. As you know, alcohol is considered a drug that reduces a persons inhibitions. What most people thinks this mens is that it makes you take your clothes off and dance around on tables. This is not necessarily the case. Sometimes, it means that you no longer suppress your opinion. What I am saying here, is to listen very carefully to what your wife is saying and watch her behavior when she has been drinking, because this is TRULY what she is thinking and feeling. *ESPECIALLY* if you see and hear the same things over and over. The alcohol is reducing her ability (or desire) to supress what she is really thinking and feeling. This may give you some idea as to why she is doing this negative behavior.
Basically, I think she is trying to send you a message that she is AFRAID to send you when she is sober. She is bottling up her emotions (no pun intended), and the alcohol allows her to speak her mind under the protection of being able to use the excuse "oh I was just drinking, I didn't mean it". On the contrary, Andrew. Unless people are falling-down drunk and incoherant, they are very much aware of everything they are doing and saying. She is trying to send you a message.
Now the suggestion.
It is important that you make her understand in a very calm, undetached way, that when she drinks she is unpleasant to be around. Therefore, (again in a very calm, loving, and undetached way), you must explain to her that when she is drinking you are going to take your son and leave the house. Then when she starts one of her drinking sessions, simply take your son over for a visit with his grandparents, or to the park or the zoo or a movie. If people ask where your wife is, simply tell them that she had something else to do.
Do this consistently and sooner or later your wife will figure out that when she drinks she will lose your company and that of your son. DO not be mean and treat her like it is a punishment. Just tell her that you don't want your son seeing her like that and you don't enjoy being around her. She is perfectly welcome to continue this behavior all she likes - she is an adult after all. Just tell her you need to be someplace else when this happens. No big deal, no treats, no door slamming.
When you go, give her a kiss and tell her to give you a call when she is sober and you will be glad to come home.
Now one thing that you must make certain of. When people are drinking they don't always have good judgment. So be SURE that when you leave you take ALL THE CAR KEYS WITH YOU. She might get lonely and decide to drive over and visit a friend or worse yet, come to look for you in a drunken state to tell you off for leaving her. NOT A GOOD IDEA. You don't want to be responsible for her causing a traffic accident. So PLEASE, PLEASE make certain that you have taken all the car keys with you.
Sooner or later she will realize that she would rather have you and the baby home than drink and probably her drinking will slow down considerably. But beware this negative behavior will most likely be replaced by another way of expressing her unhappiness with "something".
Even better would be to try to find out why she is doing this. I could give you a big scenario about what *I* think the problem is, because I see this A LOT in my business. But it would be much better if you could perhaps go to a counselor (a priest would be even better), and get her to talk about what is bothering her. Maybe then you can come to some type of compromise and together work to fix the problem.
Best of luck to you Andrew. I know it is very difficult for you.
R. M. French
