QuestionI have struggled with a situation twice in the past 4 years with my husband of 12 years. We have 3 children. Each time he developed a "crush" on a much younger employee, which lasted 6-8 months (winding down now). Although no physical boundaries were crossed with either of these women, in the most recent case, he spent a lot of time at work socializing with her, offering her dating advice, serving as a mentor - all with the intended result that she adores him and thinks that he's the best, most wonderful friend and boss ever, which serves to boost his ego. After getting drunk and passing out at her apartment last month (he has taken her out on a number of lengthy and expensive 'platonic dates' over my objections), she decided to cut off the fraternization. She actually asked him each whether I was okay with him hanging out with her as a friend(I wasn't but he told her that I was). I feel resentful that when I tried to set boundaries, he crossed them time and time again, but now that she put them into place, he seems relieved that it's over. He tells me all the time that he loves me (and our sex life is good) and I know that he adores our children, but he is also very confused about how to handle his feelings towards other women. I feel hurt and betrayed, because he doesn't empathize with my feelings of anxiety and sadness over his "dating" another woman. How can I get him to see that his behaviors keep hurting me and our relationship? Outside of these two situations, we have had a stable, compatible, loving, and fulfilling marriage. He had no intimacy with other women before meeting me, and feels sad that he can't experience what it's like to date women (b/c of his commitment to me and our family). Now he feels confident and derives great pleasure from the attention he receives from younger women. I feel hurt, betrayed and don't know what to do now. The 'crush' has passed and he's feeling happy with our relationship once again, but I'm just starting to feel the effects of his behaviors. We're seeing a marriage counselor but I'm emotionally exhausted and feel sad a lot.
AnswerHi Karen,
Thanks for writing. Boy-oh-boy, it's no wonder you are feeling blue ... your husband is immature, insecure, childish, selfish, and flaky. No one could be happy in such a situation.
I can predict that unless your husband experiences a major epiphany that this pattern will repeat itself over and over. He needs to pay a heavy price for his immaturity ... this will give him the wake-up call he needs. How he pays is up to you, but I certainly would not accept him back 100 percent until he has proven over a significant length of time that he has forever changed his ways. I hope he is humble and remorseful about his immature and ridiculous behavior.
My friend, be in your power. This is where your healing will come from. You set the agenda, you set the way things will be, and if he is unwilling to cooperate then kick his immature butt back to the Romper Room where he belongs. You have my deepest sympathy.
I wish you the best -- now be in your power! Good luck, my dear.
Doctor Becky
