QuestionI am a 31 year old mom of 2 girls and a nurse, who has been married for the second time for 5 years. When I met my husband I weighed 250, he was a wonderful man. I knew when I married him that he was bi-polar and not on meds and I always just thought in the back of my mind that I could deal with it. I decided to start exercising and eating right and I have lost 77 lbs so far with 23 to go. I feel GREAT about myself now. However, my husband has been getting worse throughout the year that I have been losing. He now comes home and gets drunk EVERY night, threatens EVERY day to leave me and does not help a BIT around the house or with the kids (just calls me lazy even though I also work and take total care of the kids, house & bills). He purposely makes huge messes around the house and then yells at me to pick them up. Just a small example: this morning, he put on his muddy boots (he works on an oil rig) and stomped as hard as he could around the entire house and then started laughing and telling me to clean it all up. I am at my wits end. How is a wife supposed to react to this? I have been going out of my way to be nice, we are going through a stressfull time of not having much money due to extra bills and vehicle problems but it is nothing that we haven't worked through before. He says he wants a divorce and I've told him so far that he can go file but I am not making the first move because I know that I can work through it. When I go to church or shopping, he accuses me of going to see 'my boyfriend'. Anyway, he refuses counseling and will not quit being mean. I just don't know what to do. Do I just continue being nice and hope that he straightens up? I have tried discussing this like an adult and told him that I refuse to let him talk to me like he does, yet he still does it. ANY advise is greatly appreciated, I am very lost.
AnswerDear Confused Mama,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com I hope that I can assit you with your question.
Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that your husband's bad behavior is directly connected to your weight loss. He is very much concerned that now you are slender and beautiful you will decide that you can do better than HIM and leave. Why then, you ask, doesn't he act much nicer to encourage you to stay?
There could be many reasons for this. Most likely scenario is that if he feels that he is mean and nasty to you then it is HIS DECISION to end the relationship. He can say.... "I drove her away" or "I decided I was done with her, so I made her leave by being mean". Or something along those lines. Many people cannot stand the idea of being the one who is abandonded. It MUST be his idea in order for him to save face to himself and to others.
He is a very insecure person. Previously, he had his bi-polar disorder and you were overweight and probably felt rather unattractive. He knew that you, most probably, would never leave him. Now you are looking better every day and he is scared to death that you are going to go.
I can offer you a suggestion to try. I cannot promise that it will work or solve the problems here, but you can give it a shot and see how it works.
Every single time he is mean to you. Let's say for instance, when he makes a big mess and tells you to clean it up. You can say... "Dave, (or whatever his name is), you can be just as mean and hateful to me as you want to be. You can tease me, and ridicule me and do whatever you want, and I am still going to love you and cherish you and never leave you. Then give him a very sincere kiss. By doing this you are reassuring him that his behavior is NOT going to have the desired effect. His plan is NOT going to work and you are NOT going to leave him.
Most likely at first he will be very angry when you do this. But if you keep it up and EVERY SINGLE TIME he is mean to you express how much you love him. Eventually he will give up.
Another thing I can mention also, is to try to make him feel like he is the most important thing in your life. I know that being a mom of two girls this is tough. But many women fail to understand that every man on earth has the emotional maturity of a six year old boy. That is not an insult! That is not a slam. It is just that men do not mature emotionally past six years old. When you look at him try to see him as a 6 year old little boy who wants to feel important in your life. He wants you to be proud of him and acknowledge the things that he does.
There is a very good book out there called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", that I recommend to a lot of wives. Basically, it states that men are really very easy to keep happy. A warm meal in their tummy, good and regular sex, and lots and lots of appreciation will make most men very happy husbands. It is that simple.
Many women who have children sometimes forget to spend precious quality time with their husbands, and eventually those husbands come to feel that they are only there to provide a paycheck. I cannot tell you how many letters I get from them. They say things like.... "All she cares about is the children", or "She treats me like I am not important, except for payday". Do not be guilty of doing this. The reason I mention it is your signing your email to me as "confused mama". Even when you are writing about your relationship with your husband - you identify yourself first as a mama and not as a wife.
From time to time you must put away your mommy uniform and put on your wife uniform and care only for your hubands needs. Whether it is sexual or just to have a friend to talk to. Your husband needs and deserves your quality time too. Please do not forget that beneath that manly exterior beats the heart of a little boy wanting desperately to be loved and appreciated.
Best of luck. It sounds like a difficult situation but try my approach and see how it works. Let me know if it doesn't and we'll go from there.
R. M. French
