QuestionOkay where do i begin. First of all I have been married for 5 years. We have been together for 12. My husband has cheated on me. (We have 3 kids) Basically he likes to have girls as friends. It usually tends to be one girl for a extended amount of time. Most recently I asked him if they were just friend maybe he could be open with me about it but he says he knows how I react so didn't tell me but is going to work on it. The girl...I have spoken to and she swears it is just friendship but I have gone behind my husbands back and found they talk often on the phone for extended periods of time. She left him a message ending with she was calling to hear his voice and she sends him Text messages that I read (because I can't sleep, grab his phone and find them then erase them, I am surprised he hasen't said anything yet) She writes pretty harmless stuff but she sends him messages alot! One message was talking about being out and how all other guys were looking for one thing and she missed her sweet Adam (my Husband) When I read that one is when I called her. I didn't tell her i had read that though. If I do my husband says I am being sneeky and going behind his back. Hes says he knows I have a right but she should also have some privacy too. She also sent him pictures of what she was wearing out when she was in Las Vegas this weekend. Some of the messages it seems like just friends she will start with hey buddie blah blah blah. I feel like I am ging nuts here. Am I alone in this does this happen to other women? Is it common for men to have these outside friendship, and I just found out because I went snooping? hte reason i do is because of his unfaithfulness in the past and the way he acts sometimes indifferent is the word I use. I have been with him since I was 18 years old and i don't know what to do.
AnswerErin,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
It always troubles me when I get letters such as yours. Mainly because there is nothing good I can say about your husband's behavior.
There is no reason on Earth why a married man "needs" to have a female other than his wife for friendship. I feel that this is just a convenient excuse for him to maintain relationships with other women and make you the "bad guy" if you protest.
It seems perfectly obvious to me (and to you as well, I suspect), that these friendships are inappropriate behavior. The problem seems to be NOT how to deal with them, but rather how to stop them.
I can only recommend to you that both of you seek counseling. Your husband may be reluctant to do this, therefore, if he will not join you I recommend going alone. There are many issues connected with this behavior. I think that it is time to stop and ask yourself if you can allow this to continue or whether you wouldn't rather be in a happy, honest relationship with someone who loves and charishes you.
To answer your question... Yes, this does happen to other women. And sometimes they "tolerate" it, as you do, and sometimes they do not. If you choose to tolerate it for the sake of your children you must understand that your marriage could end at the moment that your husband decides he would rather be with some other woman - on a full time basis - than you.
It is very important that you communicate with your husband to try to find out why he is doing this. It has been my professional experience that when a man turns to a woman other than his wife, it is because she is giving him something that he is not getting at home. Do you give your husband a lot of compliments and praise him for the things he does? Often men become discouraged with a marriage where they do not feel appreciated. Do you think that perhaps you have been guilty of this?
Also, considering the children. Have you put your husband's needs and importance second to those of your children? This is a terrible mistake that many women make. Men can actually become resentful of the affection and attention that a wife pays to the children, feeling left out and ignored. (I am not saying you do this, only that it does happen).
Do you make an effort to make your husband feel adored and special? Do you cook him his favorite meals? Do you spend "quality" time with him, without the children present? Every marriage needs private time where they can continue to bond and grow together. IF this does not occur, a husband and wife tend to grow apart. I have heard so many times that a couple got divorced after many years together because they "grew apart". This can be avoided, and in some cases reversed with some work.
Communiation is the key to any good relationship, and I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss what he feels is missing in his life that he needs to seek outside the marriage. This, in addition to my suggestion for counseling are my recommendations to you.
I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
R> M> French
