Understanding and Addressing Anger Issues in a Relationship

Question
QUESTION: I do not know what to do.  I think my husband has always had anger issues, but seems to take things out on me when he is stressed.  For instance, he is either nice and happy and wants sex, or he is miserable and grouchy and insulting me.  Like Dr. Jekyl. This weekend is a perfect example.  My third grade daughter and I planned this huge halloween party, I killed myself cleaning, decorating, shopping....All he had to do was fix a couple lights in the basement.  The night of the party, I was running around the house and when I came into the kitchen with a basement full of people, he is sulking on the couch complaining that there is nothing to eat! Fist of all, I ordered like 5 pizzas, salad and snack things.  Did he want a 7 course meal with all the commotion of the party.  is he kidding? Im looking at him in shock like your kidding.  I felt like saying, why dont you get up and help me instead of worrying what your not getting? Unbelievable.  Its almost as if he does it on purp0se to ruin my night out of jealousy.  Like he isnt getting attention and Im having fun and he cant stand it! I mean just because he is unsociable, I am not.  I love to entertain and thikngs like that he doesnt. Why would he even complain at the worst possible moment.  I guess he later felt guilty he came down stairs to help with the pinata.  I dont know, I think he has some type of abandomnent issues or something.  I have so much anger towards him I dont even want him to touch me.  How dare he insult me and try to run my night and the fun of my kids because of his babyish attitude@

ANSWER: Jennifer,
I can tell this issue fired you up...so take a breath because I might say something that fires you up again. My first though about this is I wonder what your relationship with your husband is like. From you description it sounds like you have no respect for him. Believe it or not this effects him. I think instead of talking about it with you he chooses to be passive-aggressive which only leads to you being more irritated with him. So what to do. Start loving him despite his irritating habits. Start letting him know how you value him even when.....If you can't do this, then you need to figure out a way to do it because the marriage will soon be over if you husband doesn't think you value him even when he is a baby.
David
www.help4life.net

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your honesty.  Over the years his attitude has caused me to not have respect for him.   He has a bad habit of name calling when he is really angry, like calling me a loser in front of my kids? Do you know many people that are subject to that? If there are it would make me feel better knowing that, I didnt think there are most married couples dont talk to each other that way.  If he feels I am a loser why did he marry me? If anything he is jealous of my childhood and upbringing.  I came from a very close family, my parents were married 60 years, etc.  He came from a broken home.  I know he has deep anger issues.  But I am not equipt to counsel him.  He needs help on his own

Answer
Jennifer,
I would tell you to not let his behavior influence you. As an adult woman you have the choice to tolerate certain behaviors. I wouldn't tolerate the name calling. Now how you do it is to disrespect your husband which of course is going to cause problems in your relationship. You need to find a more creative way of reacting when he name calls. When he does it I think he is expressing his own embarrassment about something or it's his way of protecting himself from being hurt. I would suggest couples counseling.
David
www.help4life.net