QuestionHello Bill, I would appreciate any advise you can send to me. Me and my wife have been married around 10 years now. Like most marriages, we have had many ups and downs and lately I'd say were kind of in the middle- neither good nor bad. There are many things that bother me about our marriage, but the main thing is sex. I honestly feel numb emotionally when I think about it. I've read similar stories of other men having the same problem in their marriage and don't know what to do any more. My wife really does not like having sex much at all. We rarely have sex. I'd say 1-2 times a month any more at best. I hear all the reasons why, she tired, that's all I want her for, ect. I am so fed up with the whole thing. I am so sick of this any more. I think part of it is she wants to have the "upper hand" in the relationship, and the other part is she could live with or without sex so she could care less if we do anyways. I go through this just about every other month. We'll finally have sex after a few weeks, I'll feel better about things, then a month later i'm at the same place all over again. This morning before she went to work, I was flirting with her and told her I wanted to tonight and she smiled and said we would. Well, when she got back from work, that was the last thing on her mind. She doesn't want to do anything with me, she doesn't want me to masterbate, and she definetly doesn't want me looking at other women. So tell me, what on freaking earth am I supposed to do here? I sorry, but I am getting ticked off once again. This is all the time. Even when we do, she hardly ever kisses me. As a matter of fact, she rarely ever kisses me at all. She'll give me a "good bye" kiss when I'm going to work, but it's nothing like a "mini" make out session. It's more like "ok son, I'll see you when you get home". Like a mother kissing her child good bye. If this is what marriage is, then this is completely stupid. Before we were married, she was kind of wild, fun to be around and loved to make out and have sex. Now there is no reason to have sex. Why do that? Is laying on your back that much work? That's all our sex amounts to. Well, I'm done complaining now. I know I probably sound like some evil guy, but I'm not. I work full time and do more than 3/4 of the house work. I am a good father, and am good husband in my opionion. I have a feeling she would say the same about me as well. I just don't get it. It's like someone tells another person to hold a glass so they can pour water in it. They have a gallon of water and they are going to pour it into one glass. They do NOT want any water to spill over but you can only use one glass. Where is the other water supposed to go? One gallon could probably fill 15 glasses, but you can only have 1 glass and you can't spill any water. Something has to give. It just wont work. Am I supposed to be dead emotionally and that is "just the way it is"? You're married and screwed, but wait a minute, your NOT screwed. You might as well get brained washed and tell you to never have sex again because it's pointless. Would it be a better idea to look for someone else? I'm sure that's a terrible solution, but I'm sure she will never change.
AnswerWell somewhere along the line you both let your sexualities trickle out of the marriage. Getting them back will be a lot more work than it would have been to keep things going. I would start by telling her you want to begin doing it once a week at a prescribed time, just like a date. Pick a night or morning, get showered up and go for it. If it's going out somewhere first, do it, just like in the olden days. Once you get your one time a week set up, making sure it's enjoyable for her, then go for a second. Like I said it's work, but if you want it, you'll have to do most of the work.
Bill
