QuestionI have been with my wife for about 11 years we have been married for almost three. I did not know that she was feeling "alone" in the marriage I should have known but I was being very selfish with my time. We have two young daughters 3 years and 5 months I also have two children from other marriages. I have a drinking problem and spent to much time away from my family but when I was there I thought that our marriage was ok. We went out together about three weeks ago as we go out at least two times a month and usually we have a good time. On this last outing we got drunk together and ended up in a argument in which she made me stay at my mothers house. two days later she took the kids and drove to her fathers house we had been talking and things would look like they were going well and then we would go backwards and she would say she didn't like me anymore. She had the house in total disarray I worked on it everyday while she was gone, all of the bills which she took care of the finances were past due. I feel mostly responsible for the problems and have been going to a counciler and I am attending A A almost everyday to better myself.I dont want to lose my wife and family! Please help.
AnswerHi David,
I appreciate you writing to me, and I am sorry for your troubles. I read your question asking for help, but am not clear on specifically what you want help with, so please write me back with a more specific question that you would like to have answered and I'll see what I can do.
In the meantime I will just comment on what you have written, and hopefully that will help. It sounds like you have done a lot of damage to your relationship, my friend. Don't get me wrong, I am sure your wife has done her fair share to get you all in the hole you are now finding yourselves, as it always takes two to take a marriage down. But you are the one who has reached out to me, and this is what you admit to:
1. Drinking too much.
2. Spending too much time away.
3. Not being in touch with the state/status of your relationship.
Going to and sticking with AA is a good plan, and also doing the same with professional counseling ... both will set you in a healthy direction. Do not stop these very pro-active and positive moves you are making. Right now your wife is not sure of what she wants, and you must be aware that it is a fragile period in your relationship and you must tread softly. Specifically, this is a time for you to stop trying to get her back and to focus on your own health and well being. If you get healthy, there will be a good chance you can win her back. If you do not do that, and instead spend much of your time pursuing her, I don't predict a good outcome. She needs for you to stop talking and to start doing. Your actions will tell her everything she needs to know.
I hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
