QuestionQUESTION: Hi David
First of all - thanks for the great help and answers you are providing to people. I am a 31 year old Nepali
living in the US for 12 years and i married last year to a 24 year old women from nepal.
Initially she was staying home for 7 months and now she has started MAsters degree. Because of visa status
she cannot work and can only go to school. this has helped a lot. I am just going to explain
some issues i have and hopefully you will be able to provide me some great suggestions
1) Whenevr I go out in public places sometimes she thinks i am staring at other women. It makes me very
angry but when I am angry and defensive it makes the matter worse. Even when I am thinking something else
she is thinking that I am looking at other women. What should I do in this kind of situation. WIll time
heal the problem if i just listen patiently. I do not want to be a controlling husband and act abusive
on her showing my macho
2) Another thing is she takes many things personally. She has a friend who is a girl and going out with a
guy I know. They are about to get married and whenever I am say it is really good that they are getting married
and there are good signs she FEELS THAT I AM GETTING JEALOUS OF MY FRIEND...BECAUSE HE IS GETTING MARRIED TO
A BETTER WOMEN (HER FRIEND) THAN HER. She feels that it bothers me and I am jealous wheveer someone gets married
..why would she have to be so personal
3) Also my uncle in NY last week was just teasing her that her dad has lots of money..she took personally...
my uncle was just kidding when he was telling her that
4) Also on weekends when I feel like going to the libray or go to the bookstore she tells me why I am not
staying home with her..she tells me i can read at home or do at work at home. I do not know why SHE WANTS to
Spend all the TIME TOGETHER. I feel like I NEED SOME SPACE sometimes
5) She does not have many relatives here so most of the family we visit are mine. Sometimes she takes it personally
that i only take her to my relatives and things..and she cannot shere her feelings and talk things with them..
well well i intend no harm...why would she be so personal...if she has her relatives around i would definitely
go
6) Another thing is ...she goes to classes in the evenings. Whenever i tell her to go to the library to study or
tell her to take walk or exercise ...she takes it SO PERSONALLy AND STARTS FIGHTING WITH ME.. DID I DO
anything wrong ..why would she feel so controlled when I am suggesting good things? It it worng for me to
tell her to exercise or get away from home sometimes so that she can get some fresh air..
anyways please let me know what your say are on the above things..i do not know but all our attention is only
on each other ...may be after we have kids she will change...the major issues are ...she accusing me of
looking at women in public ..and she also accusing me THAT I AM JEaLOUS OVER MY FRIENDS WIFE becuase THEY MARRIED
BETTER WOMEN THAN ME..what WOULD YOU SUGGEST. ARE THESE COMMON FOR NEWLy MARRIED PEOPLE
THANKS
narendra
ANSWER: Hello Narendra: Thank you for sharing your issues with me. It appears to me that your wife is dealing with some insecurity issues - maybe even some self-esteem issues.
The only real way you are going to convince her that you have no interest in other women is to focus on her. Tell her constantly that she is beautiful, bring her a single flower for no reason whatsoever, things like that. It will take some time but she will come to realize that she is the only focal point of your life.
Secondly, rather than telling her that she should go for a walk or suggesting some activity, ASK her what she would like to do. What does she enjoy? Maybe a movie, maybe she would enjoy going to the library with you.
Also, take a direct interest in her studies. Ask her about her classes, what she is studying, what she likes or dislikes.
What I am getting at here is that you need to practice some selflessness in this relationship. I know and understand that there may be cultural issues but work on it.
Make her your focus and you will reap great benefits.
Good luck and peace to you.
David
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi David
Thanks for the great answer. One more question is.. sometimes she badmouth my relatives infront of me..like
my sister or uncle...saying they said this to me
they are so inconsiderated and stuff..if I try to say
this is not what they meant..she will think that I am
taking my relatives side...how should I react ..just keep listening and ignore...I just feel that sometimes she
makes her own meaning out of thing
thanks once again
AnswerNarendra: The best way to deal with the issue of her bad-mouthing your relatives is to focus on you. Tell her something like,"When say things like that about my relatives, it make me feel ....".
In other words, she needs to understand that it is YOU she is hurting. Try it - it works!
Good luck.
David
