QuestionI hope you can help me on this one.
My wife and I have been married nearly 4 years and have been a couple since we were in our teens (9 years ago). We have always been great together, we always had so much fun and were soul mates. Our dreams and goals in life have always been the same and we've always been so much in love. Last Christmas we hit a sticky spot financially and we had also lost track of our dream of living and working abroad. My wife started getting closer to someone from work, I now know that they were together for approx 4 weeks, nothing physical but they felt emotionally attracted to each other. They both ended it as they agreed it had gone too far, she wanted to concentrate on our marriage and make amends with me.
They were going to keep it quiet but I (and his wife) found out.
I forgave her within a few days as we had shared so much together it wasn't worth splitting up over.
For the next few weeks she was really low, she said she was really guilty for what she had done and said she didn't deserve me, I was constantly trying to reassure her and lift her spirits but she got so bad she started to self harm.
We visited the doctors and the self harm quickly stopped.
She then found it difficult to hug me or even hold my hand, she said she didn't know how she felt about me anymore.
It's now another 4 weeks on and we have separated. We said we'd take a break to get our heads straight but after 2 days she told me her head is getting clearer, she didn't think she loved me enough and wants us to just be friends. I know she is no longer in touch with the other man as he and his wife now live in New Zealand.
My head is a total mess, it's all happened so suddenly, how can it all end so abruptly? everyone saw us as the ideal couple and think she's crazy, she's giving up so, so much. She just doesn't seem to be the same person that I married. Is her head really clear?
All of this has happened during the last 8 weeks.
AnswerDaniel - this is no where near being over. From what you have shared with me, she seems to be very confused, scared, and uncertain.
I have to tell you something though - and I have many years of experience at this. If she was "together" with this other man for four weeks, I would be shocked if they did not have sexual relations. It just doesn't seem realistic that nothing physical happened.
Her response to you afterwards kind of confirms that in my mind. So the first thing you need to do is prepare to deal with her having committed acts of infidelity. Of course I can't prove it - but I am just putting 2 and 2 together here.
Ask her if a nine year relationship is worth one hour of her time. The goal here is to get here to meet just once with you and a marriage counselor.
You need to find three marriage counselors so that you can present them to her and let HER pick which one to go see.
You simply must get her to a marriage counselor. A good one will be able to surface key issues fairly quickly. If you don't do this, the prospects for saving this marriage are very low.
Please give this a try and let me know how it goes.
God bless,
David
