QuestionHello,
My problem is simple. We married young. The first time we married. She got in the trunk of a small Datson, $17 in change & kiss your married in Mexico. A month or two later, we told our parents. We did it right in a Baptist Church & was sanctified by God. We had a wonderful marriage, we had a baby girl, a Goddess like baby girl I bonded with. She was everything to me, since she came out all purple all over & long black hair. I just couldn't wait to hold her & I'll never forget doing so. My wife went into the baby blues, I was a workaholic. We smoked pot & here's where I get to my question. My wife's sister moved away to live with her Aunt & have a baby. Then she came back & married a man that did not believe in God, nor could he have children. Her sister was a couple years older than her. I remember they drove to Los Angelas to visit us or her, as I remember my b-i-l was acting strange. He kept laughing & singing & talking about a new song he heard on the way to our house. The song was "One is the Loneliest Number", by Three Dog Night. At the time I couldn't understand as the song wasn't that new & I was already tired of it. They came back a few days later & took my wife & baby with them while I was at work. I didn't understand anything. As time went on I realize my b-i-l set my wife up with his friend & moved them in his parents garage to rent for Welfare. When I did get off work, I did find her with my b-i-l's friend. She wouldn't even speak to me & still hasn't. I didn't understand, but knowing they were jealous of our baby & for them to talk her into leaving me. I think she mentally couldn't handle what she become. She had a breakdown, so I got custody of our baby. My b-i-l had underlying motives I feel. All this took place along time ago. They kidnapped our baby & The M-i-l got involved. (My question is: Trying to forgive my b-i-l which also includes his wife who I really don't have anything against. And the M-i-l who I've confessed my forgiveness, however that wasn't that easy either. I have been struggling with my daughter that they raised who also turned out wonderful in every way, except she hates me. She doesn't understand compassion or she was convinced I didn't love her. My new wife & I went to talk to my M-i-l & she advised me to stay out of my daughter's life. I cried for days. I did go & find where my daughter was living, but she wasn't home. I saw the cabin out in the woods, very private. However, I didn't hear from my daughter once. I did get a letter one time that said that they wanted to adopt her. I assumed that she also wanted to be adopted. A piece of paper doesn't change a blood-line or give her a reason to hate me. A deep rooted curse. How do I forgive someone who destroyed my marriage & raised my daughter to hate me? I didn't know when I signed the adoption paper that my x-wife would have to pay her sister to raise her daughter. She hasn't ever told me anything good or bad or good about herself. She is scared of me and hates me. She has anger for me, but she won't tell me why? So this makes it harder to forgive my x b-i-l & m-i-l. I have been hurting all my life loosing my family. Much more since I learned she was raised to hate me. How do I find forgiveness over something that happened so long ago, as I really want to leave the past behind I am almost there PLEASE HELP. JUSTME
I am happily married now for the last 36 years.
We've tried to break the ice with my daughter. She was talking to us & now she doesn't want anything to do with me. She doesn't have patience with me. When we did talk, it was so wonderful. I was so excited, I would rattle on. She was raised as the only child. I have nothing to hide. She only seemed to lead me on till I think everything is okay & then she would block my calls. It's so complicated!
AnswerHi Chris~
Sometimes finding forgiveness is not that easy. And there are some that can forgive easily than others. You've been carrying this huge burden with you for too long and it's time that you give it up and move on with life. With that said I can't even begin to imagine what you've been and what you're currently still going through. However, I'm a firm believer in that one must learn to forgive at some point or you can't fully have inner peace. Forgiveness is for you, the person that has experienced (and is experiencing) the hurt and pain. You don't have to forgive that particular person, you just do it in your heart. Once you're able to do that you'll feel like an immense weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Wouldn't that be great, for you to finally be able to do this? Only you have that power though.
You have to realize that while this happened, these were circumstances beyond your control. And you can't blame yourself, to keep carrying this burden and to dwell on the past. As I said before letting go is hard to do. When I have things that are bothering me I pray and ask God to carry that burden for me. It's seems to be the only thing that brings me peace, to help me cope and deal with things that are beyond my control. Otherwise, I'd be a mess and stressed so much all of the time. I don't know if that's something you'd consider doing, but it certainly can't hurt if you're open to that kind of thing. It's just a suggestion for you to maybe consider.
The biggest issue here though is for you to somehow learn to forgive the former MIL and BIL, and ultimately your daughter. It seems though you tried to be a good father to your daughter, with the limited access that you had to her. You have to understand that she's been raised hearing bad things about you, her family that raised her talking bad about you, negativity begets negativity that's a fact. So it's all she's known growing up. It's a sad thing to have to face the reality that they have indeed turned you against her. From what it sounds like you're saying (and please correct me if I'm wrong here) but she's had limited access to you in her life, and she's a grown up now and has been brain-washed to believe you are a certain way and that is a bad father, didn't want her/didn't want see/having anything to do with her growing up, etc, etc. Hence why she's so bitter and treats you the way she does.
The bottom line here though it, she really doesn't know the real you, she knows this false imagine of you that her family raised her to have of you. And in a way you can't blame her for being this way, you have to blame the family for turning her against you all her life. You've tried to be involved in her life, you've tried talking to her and explaining your side of the story, but she's head strong in her ways and is bound and determined to believe what they have told her about you. My point is that you've tried to do all that you can do and it's not likely there is anything else unfortunately that you can do about this mess her family has caused. It ultimately has to be up to your daughter to want to get to know you on her own accord. Just let her know that no matter what has happened, no matter what her family has said about you, you love her and you always will and nothing will ever change that fact. No matter what you try to convince her otherwise, she's going to think and do what she likes. Perhaps one day she'll finally realize that she's the one making a huge mistake by not getting to know you better and giving you a chance to start over and have that very important father/daughter relationship.
I'm sorry that you have to endure this and to continue to be hurt by her and even her family. It's not your fault and you have to try to let it go and move on with life and just be happy and thankful that you have a great wife that seems to love and support you no matter what. All you can do it take life one day at a time and get through it. I hope this helps you some.
