QuestionHi Dr. Becky,
I have been married for almost 20 years and throughout my entire marriage I have had to endure my wife's monthly episodes of PMS. I understand what PMS is and how it turns Dr. Jeckle into Mrs. Hyde, but I need to know where to draw the line. If she simply uses this period as an excuse to pick fights or berate me at every turn, there is only so much a person can stand. We have a 10 year old daughter that we both adore and there are times that I feel I am sacrificing my happiness for my daughter's sake. Outside of her PMS episodes, she is generally a very nice woman, albeit mildly anal retentive. There are times when I have felt like leaving the marriage, but my biggest fear is that she will leave the city we live in with our daughter and move back to the town she grew up in and has family. She is a very stubborn person and I think that a lot of men would have probably left her by now.
I have two questions for you, Dr. Becky. First, how should I think during her PMS episodes? Secondly, if I do decide that I want a divorce, even with joint custody, can she simply move anywhere she wants? We live in Canada.
Thank you,
Stephen
AnswerHi Stephen,
First of all, I am sorry for what you have been going through. It must be really tough. Secondly, I am not a lawyer so I cannot answer your custody question. I can tell you that typically a judge needs a very good reason to allow a child to be taken far away from the parent in the home town. You need to consult with a lawyer about this, though.
You are saying that your wife's problem is caused by PMS but I have my doubts. There are so many remedies for this, it is a wonder that she hasn't asked her gynecologist for assistance. Anyway, she may have a personality disorder ... and the one that goes along with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde is Borderline Personality Disorder. (BPD) I urge you to read about it at www.bpdcentral.com. If this is what she has, it is not curable or fixable. These people are extremely difficult to have a relationship with. So, if I were you, I would educate myself about PMS and BPD. If I was married to the woman, I would compassionately tell her that action must be taken about her moods. It is not "normal" for someone to have such extreme moods, and you shouldn't have to just live with it. Also, why not try marriage counseling? A counselor will help you uncover what is going on, and can help your relationship as well.
I hope this helps. I wish you luck.
Doctor Becky
