QuestionWhere do I begin... First, I have never requested help from this type of forum before. Second, I have been struggling with this problem for about five years. I haven't even brought it up to my closest friends. Here goes....I am a 50 year old male in excellent health. I have been married for 29 years and have two children ages 21 and 13. The problem...I am in a marriage with no life in it. I am bored to death and constantly in a state of sadness. I have never had a physical affair but have been in a couple of emotional affairs that have never progressed beyond friendship. My wife is a very nice person. She is active in the church and has been the President of the local Parent Teacher Organization. She is an excellent mother to our children. There are no chemical dependency or physical abuse issues in our marriage. Everyone thinks we make a lovely couple. The problem is that I simply don't have any feelings for her anymore. It started about ten years ago and has slowly gotten worse. I actually pray that she has an affair so that I can leave without any guilt, but I know that will never happen. We have had virtually no sex life for most of our marriage. We don't have many common interests and tend to go our separate ways. She seems happy in the marriage but she knows I am very unhappy. We have gone to marriage counseling about three years ago but nothing has changed. We are almost like brother and sister...we love each other but we're not in love. That sounds like a cop out, but that's how I feel. I am so worried about my 13 year old. I don't want to upset his life but I don't feel I can't go on this way forever. I am on anti-depressants and so is my wife and oldest child. I attribute this primarily to our unhappy home life. I know it's wrong, but I treat my wife with complete indifference. She is trying to make our marriage work but I simply don't have any interest in it anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to feel love again. I know I sound like a whiner but I simply can't make myself pretend to like my marriage. I don't. Well, that's about it in a nutshell. I like to think I'm a decent person. I have lots of good friends and I think they would describe me as being fun loving, personable, honest, smart, somewhat attractive, conservative, health conscious, nice, kind, I don't swear much, I love my parents, I have a great family, a good job and am financially better off than most. What my wife and I have is a marriage between two good people, one of which is very unhappy. Any recommendations that you have would be greatly appreciated.
AnswerHi Paul,
Thanks for writing. It sure does sound like your marriage is just about dead, and that's a terrible feeling. You mention that your wife is happy, but I seriously doubt that she is. My guess is that for whatever reason, she is not about to reveal to anyone -- and maybe not even herself, that she is unhappy. I imagine that she wears a mask for all to see of the happy woman -- heaven forbid that she would show cracks in the image she has created. It sounds like along the way neither one of you has done much to fight for the passion, caring, and doing for someone else that a healthy marriage requires.
So you asked for recommendations. First, let's look at keeping the status quo ... you and your wife are terrible role models for your children the way that it is. What they need is to live among two affectionate, respectful and loving people to show them how its done. Instead you're modeling being bored and miserable, as well as being a martyr -- suffering for the sake of the family.
Now, let's look at repairing the marriage ... and before you say that's impossible, let me say I have seen miracles and have come to believe that so long as there is no major mental illness or addiction present, that anything is possible. To achieve this, however, you will need to shake up the status quo by doing something drastic such as separation or anything similar to that that would help create the motivation in her and yourself to fight to make the marriage right.
The other option, of course, is divorce. A famous study of people who were divorced 10 years found that 90 percent, now having lived with the pain of divorce and the effects on the family, new partners, financial difficulties, stepchildren, bad dates, holidays alone, etc., wished that they had done more to save the marriage. This tells me that couples need to be absolutely sure before they take this action. I can tell you that single life is not utopia, and the people you will meet may not be much different after they settle in to the relationship than your present wife. Choosing single life is a risk.
If I were you I would give option number two a shot. Shake up your marriage, create motivation and see if you can't learn to love the one you're with. If it works out it will be by far the better option ... go for it!
I hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
