QuestionMy marriage is in crisis and I honestly havent a clue what to do. I have been married since 07'. Our marriage has always been a pretty good one, few fights. In 2009 he asked for a separation stating that he loved me but was no longer "in love" with me, whatever that means. We eventually did reconcile in 2010. Again things were over-all fine, except for a few issues we have been dealing with ( he was diagnosed bi-polar, and low testerone) and with medications and such, and he works 3rd shift intimacy got put on hold for the most part. Now again, I am told I love you and I am not in love with you and he wants to separate again. He just turned 40, I am told maybe its a mid-life crisis, I frankly am dumbfounded, how one minute its all I love you and hugs and kisses and literally the next minute I am not in love with you line. We are still living together, because this time I am unemployed and unable to leave. Lately, When he drinks too much, he is all lovey and hugging and kissing, but when he is sober- nothing. However he is friendly all the time. I have been trying to act like this is not hurting me, but it is and I dont know what to make of it. I should mention he is an addict, but has been clean of that for over 19 months until last month when he popped this I am not in love with you anymore revelation and he started using again. Trust me, if I didnt love him I would never have gotten back with him in 2010, and now I am stuck and I do still love him. What do you think?
AnswerHi Tami,
I am so sorry that you are distressed about your marriage. I can't imagine how disconcerting it must be for you to have a husband who is sometimes "in" and sometimes "out" of the marriage. It must feel like you are living in a fault zone where any day there might be an earthquake.
You say he is bipolar, and I know that could mean anything from severe off-the-wall behavior to barely noticeable. Sounds like your husband may have a more severe version, and that alone could be almost impossible to tolerate for a spouse. I am not sure if that is what is at work here regarding his bizarre behavior, but it certainly concerns me.
A midlife crisis is when a person who has spent a lot of his life conforming, sacrificing and pleasing others (and society) throws down the 'doing for others' sword and picks up the sword of doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Your husband's situation does not sound like a midlife crisis to me.
I think you need to not hide your feelings and absolutely let him know how much his behavior hurts you. My guess is he is in a struggle with two parts of himself ... one part loves you and loves being the marriage, and the other part loathes his life (and probably himself) and resents responsibility. The fact that he is an addict currently using doesn't help me think he is likely to change anytime soon.
To me, your healthiest option is to let him know that it is time for him to get help for his addiction and mental problems ... for you will no longer tolerate his inconsistent behavior. He must get help once and for all. If it was me, I'd set that boundary, and if he did not get the help he needs I would remove myself to a healthier place. I am sad to tell you that I am not optimistic that he will do this, but if he does it is your only hope for a relationship that offers you the inner peace you deserve.
I hope this helps. Take care.
Doctor Becky
