QuestionI've been married to my husband for just over two years. We have had a great marriage so far. We rarely (almost never) fought, and when we did it was over him playing video games. Everything was pretty much perfect. Ever since we had our baby 4 months ago, it seems to have gotten worse. He never wants to spend time with me. He is at work or school all day, and then he comes home and is on the computer with the head phones on. We got rid of the video game system thinking that would help, but he found games online to play. It doesn't matter what game it is, he will play it. Maybe it just feels worse to me because I am at home with the baby all day and have no one to talk to, but I really feel like he just doesn't want to be around me. Shouldn't a husband want to spend time with his wife? If not, then why are we married? I have voiced my concerns with him, and he just tells me that I need to get a hobby or some friends to hang out with. So I've taken up doing crafty things at home. Then it's just him sitting on the computer while I am doing something else. We don't even talk. I'm pretty sure this isn't what a marriage is supposed to be like. I don't know what to do, and I am sick of crying every night. It's kind of making me resent having a baby. It seems to be bringing us apart. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
AnswerHello Julia:
This situation is a classic case of needing a compromise. I don't think it would be healthy for the relationship for you to insist he give up everything on the computer. On the other hand, he must understand how his obsession is impacting you and your relationship.
The key point I would like to make to you is that your husband must understand that the path he is on is a negative and destructive one. Sit down with him and share your feelings like you have with me. Calmly tell him something like, "When you spend as much time as you do on the computer, it makes me feel .....". Assert that you do not want to feel that way, that the marriage is important to you and you want to work to make things better.
It will be important that you acknowledge the enjoyment he gets from his time on the computer and, if that is part of what makes him happy, you want to see him continue to do those things he enjoys - within reason.
He is not going to change unless and until he sees his excessive time on the computer creating more pain than it does happiness or fulfillment.
So, do a couple of things. First, come up with a small compromise at first. My suggestion would be something like a Friday night "date". Every Friday night, just you and your husband do something together. Get a sitter - this is about you and your husband. Go putt-putting, go to a movie, maybe just go have a beer at a local pub - anything that gets the two you out and together. It's kind of hard not to talk when you it's just the two of you sitting together. Just do something one night a week a reconnect. Properly adhered to, this will lead to a strengthening of the relationship and a weakening of barriers.
Secondly, there is a book that comes to mind that it seems to me may help both of you. You can probably find it at your local library - or you could buy it. The book is, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Farley. It is one of the books I often recommend to couples in your situation. You will learn about the "love bank" and making deposits and withdrawals in it. Again, both of you need to read it.
To summarize Julia - make sure your husband understands the seriousness of the situation, propose a small compromise, and then start working on rebuilding what you had - which begins with understanding each others needs.
Please keep me posted and God bless you.
David
