QuestionHi i have been married almost 3 years and have 2 children with my husband. But i have a weight on my shoulders. I will catch my husband in little white lies here and there. He denies them till no end. So fine but this time i think i had it. My heart is so tired of this i can't cry or give it anymore thought so I'm asking your advice. He recently joined Myspace and have been collecting friends on there. Well he received a friend request from one of his ex's sister, let's say Jess. So now they have been talking a little bit because they hadn't talked in a long time.
He told me she sent him a message asking him to add her sister the ex, let's say Jen(aka the stripper, not sure if she still is). My husband told me this, and told me he sent a message back saying if Jen sent him one that he would accept it but he wouldn't send one to her out of respect for me. I had no problem with that, in fact i was proud of my man. Well for a good reason i checked his emails because he knew i was signing him up for something and had to get the password they sent. I saw where myspace notified him that Jess had messaged him back so i logged on in his name to see how she reacted to the respect for me thing. He has told me he doesn't care if i check his stuff. So i did. I read his message to Jess to see what all she would be commenting about. This is his first message to Jess :"Hey What's up? I haven't been on for awhile. Phone was shut off for a bit. Just thought i would see how everyone is doing. Hopefully good. Before i forget, Let your sister know that if she sends me a request i will accept it but i can't send her one out of respect for my wife. TTYL" There was no message she sent that he was replying to. So she put "THATS COOL I WILL TELL HER I WILL SEE HER TOMORROW.WE GOING TO CANTON SHE GETTING MARRIED TO A REALLY SWEET GUY NAME TRAVIS HE IS NOTHING LIKE RALPH HE IS THE OPSIET OF RALPH HE REALLY LOVES HER.THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW IN CANTON WHERE THEY ARE LIVING.SHE HAPPY THEN I HAVE EVER SAW HER WITH ANY ONE.EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING GOOD HERE.HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DOING I HOPE THEY ARE DOING GOOD TTYL." This nearly says to me that she is hinting for him not to really communicate with her. He lied to me. And i honestly wouldn't have cared if he did want to talk to her because i know after breakups you may want to boast about how good your life is or ask them unresolved questions about their past relationship. But he lied in the first place is my problem. What should i do? He had himself put on a pedestal to look good. I knew it was too good to believe. Now what?
I don't want to blow it out of proportion but i shouldn't just let it slide. He will just lie to cover this lie. He'll probably say he deleted the one from her but i know that is not the truth for a couple of reasons. I asked his brother for advice and he told me not to worry about it, he thinks it's just Jess starting troubling but why hate the girl when she hasn't done anything. I'm not married to her I'm married to him and he lied to me. My soul is just bruised. Please help me. I'm going camping with my husband soon and need this cleared to have a peaceful time. Sorry if this is a lot to read and comprehend but I'm emotionally exhausted. Thank you so much for your time. -Elizabeth
AnswerHi Elizabeth,
Thanks for writing. I don't really grasp your question, and I couldn't make sense of the details -- I am sure it is my fault, so I apologize.
In healthy marriages both partners feel secure with each other and don't worry about stuff going on behind the other person's back. There are no white lies. It sounds to me like your husband may be in what I call STAGE 3 of a marriage crisis -- (there are only 4, when a marriage hits stage 4, the marriage dies). In stage three the person is engaging in activities away and outside of his marriage. Sometimes these men or women are looking for something or someone else, but the idea is that they are not happy in the marriage and are trying to create some sort of happiness outside of it, while telling themselves if they do this they can have the marriage AND the happiness. What they don't realize is that their unhappiness in the marriage will continue and get worse, and they will hit stage 4 whether they want to or not, UNLESS serious and concerted action is taken. I can't say for sure that this is where your husband is, but it sounds a lot like it.
You guys need to be honest with each other -- tell each other respectfully and gently about how you really feel -- the truth really WILL set you free, and may save your marriage. If you can't do it on your own, get a marriage therapist to help you. You guys need to clean out the garbage and be real with each other in order to keep the marriage from hitting stage 4.
Good luck to you!
