Infidelity & Trust Issues: Navigating Pre-Marital Deception

Question
I just got married October 2006. My husband and I dated 6 years before we arrived yet did not live together. My trust for him has vanished. Here is why: Several months ago my husband went out with a friend (guy, also this was before we got married). The next day I went through his cell phone (because he did not arrive home until 4:00 in the morning)and there was one particular number that stood out. When I called the number back it was a female named Donna. Of course with caller ID these days she called back and I did not answer. The next day My husband came to me and said it was a nurse (that when he went to one of his offices the nurse told him that I called, he is a sales rep) The reason her number showed up so many time is because he was trying to dodge her, but at the same time he could write the night off if he was out with a nurse. Of course he was furious that I went through his phone and yes I felt bad.
Well things have not been great between the two of us. One night I just wanted to hang out with him and have a good time and he was determined not to. This made me feel like he was trying to get rid of me so that he could talk with someone else. Well, of course the next day I see on his phone that he called her (this woman he claims to be a nurse). I confronted him he then told me that she is the sister of a nurse and that he was talking to her for legal advice (she is now a lawyer). Well then it turned into her being in law school and she is just a friend. I cannot understand that if she is just a friend why lie about it. I am very open minded and do not care that he has girls for friends. I called her one night and she just sounded scared on the phone and said nothing is going on that she wanted to be left out of it. Then she sent my husband a text and told him to leave her alone. My husband was more upset with me that I called her and sent her a text telling her that he was sorry that I had to ruin their friendship and that we split up a few months ago and will probably not stay together. Well we never split up and we are still together. That just told me that he was still trying to hold on to her.
This is really bothering me and I do not want to create another fight, but My husband just keeps lying to me and my trust for him is gone. This is not the first time he had lied about talking with a girl. I thought that he wanted to work on us, we even started to seek counseling (I do not think it has helped much). Then just the other day he tried to talk with another girl friend. Do you have any advice or know what he may be thinking?


Answer
Dear Dianne,
You didn't mention how he was before you became married during your 6 six years of dating, but if he was anything like he is now, he is not worth being with at all. If this behavior just occurred, than something must have happened to make him change. Marriage itself could have altered the way he acts, but I truly believe this is a familiar trait for him. Are you the type that has let him get away with issues such as these? He may not have married you for 6 years so that he could get away with this and he may have not wanted to live together so that it would be easier for him to get away with this. He may be the type that will never be satisfied with just one woman. Usually this is due to a major self esteem issue and when more women are in the picture, they feel more in need. I believe that a woman and a man can not be friends without more intimate relations. If your husband is lying, than he is not taking the vow of marriage seriously. You must not play the victim in this situation. You should make sure that he has every bit of freedom that one could possibly have. Give him the freedom and if he decides to abandon the marriage than he will have to live with this decision forever. If he feels limited at all, he will always have the excuse that he is suffocated. Let him go out and talk to other women and let him know that you have every bit of freedom that he has. Ask him if he wants the kind of relationship where the both of you can go and have others as friends. If he is open to this, then go and make some friends with others as well(possibly male). Let him worry a little, since when the tables are turned, things are not always as little as they seem. After he discovers that you can have friends as well as he and keep secrets too, you are no longer a victim. He most likely will realize that he does not want the type of relationship that is occurring. If it ends up that he does not care at all, then it is time to end your relationship, since he would not be concerned about the well being of your marriage. Try to stay on the same level as him at all times for this to have a good impact. Good luck and write back if you need.
Kiya