QuestionQUESTION: Hi, Well my husband and I have been having some problems lately. We have been arguing about Christmas quite a bit. We spend every year with his family because they are only a few hours away from me and I hardly ever spend Christmas with my family because theyre alot farther and of course plane tickets are expensive. And of course my husband will go on and on about all our bills,etc.. Well I know that everyone has bills!
Anyway, so he wants to go to his family's this year, as usual, and I just dont know if Im up to it this year. I am actually 13 weeks pregnant right now and have just not been feeling myself lately. I am definitely alot more emotional.. Also, our 4 year old son has autism, and it can be very diffcult taking him on trips..And I told my husband that a short trip would be less stressful for me and for our son.. So I was trying to compromise with my husband and I said I would like to go from the 24th through the 26th, but he doesnt want to do this. His mother is making dinner on the day before christmas eve (I dont know why) so they are expecting us. And also he has been telling them that we are coming on the 23rd so he seems to feel he cant change it.(His parents are controlling like he is, especially his mom). He said that we had agreed to the 23rd through 26th awhile ago and he just doesnt want to change it. He wants me to go with him but he gets upset and says "dont go, I just dont care anymore" I told him its really hurtful when he says things like this, even though I know that he doesnt mean them. Anyway, it just makes me feel bad that he cannot even make this one little compromise with me, even when I go with him to see his family every year, just for his sake mainly. I am not that crazy about them, especially his mother. In our relationship, I just feel like I am always giving in to him and what he wants.. So our problems arent just about this.. He likes to be in control of pretty much everything, especially finances. He is the one who makes most of the money in our relationship but I still think that the money should be both of ours and that we should both be able to decide what we want to do with it.. He actually doesnt even like me to go to the store.. Every time I say I need to go , he says, oh Ill go.. Usually this works out ok because I dont like grocery shopping anyway. lol He just thinks I will spend too much money when I go out, which I really dont think I spend alot of money.
Anyway, I guess I just feel like I have no say in anything in this relationship and that we always have to do things his way. It makes me really upset, especially with the Christmas issue, to the point where I am tempted to just stay here since he is not willing to compromise and make a shorter trip. Not to mention I get very depressed spending Christmas with his family and not with mine, so a shorter trip would make that a little easier at least. I am just wondering if staying here is what I need to do for him to take me seriously..
Anyway, I just get so frustrated with him sometimes. I would just like to be listened to and have some say on certain matters, but I really dont know how to get through to him. I tell him how I feel but all he does is make excuses for why we cant do this or that..
Anyway, I was just hoping you might have some advice for me about this. I really appreciate your help!
Jen
ANSWER: Hi Jennifer,
Simple enough. Put your foot down. Make sure that your husband understands that marriage is not all about him and his needs. You have a right to an equal part of the sum of your couple. Stand your ground and simply put your foot down.
This control issue is so common, I don't know what's wrong with men these days.
Jennifer, make it very clear to him that YOU are also an equal partner in this deal, and that your requests MUST be considered. You are pregnant with his child and he should be doing whatever is necessary to make you happy while you do this difficult task for the both of you.
I can tell you right now that without a doubt, ff you let this behaviour go on unattended, it will get worse. you will struggle with his control issues for the rest of your life together if you do not "nip it in the bud" as it were.
Hope this helps,
Don.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I appreciate your help. If he cant make the simple compromise I am asking him to make, then I plan on not going with him. Even if he does try to make me feel guity about it.. Hes very good at that! Thanks again..
AnswerHi Jennifer,
I imagine he is good at that. It is a common trait of people who like to exert control. No need to feel guilty about something you know is the right course of action for you.
It is time he realized that life isn't about him alone. He'll get over it.
Good luck and have a wonderful Xmas!
Don.
