QuestionI've been married for a year and a half. The first couple of months were wonderful but then I started feeling like he was hiding things from me. As it turns out he had been lying to me from the very beginning about everything. He lied about how many girls he slept with, he lied about going to Las Vegas with his friends but he really went with his girlfriend, he lied about not having a pornography issue (which he was very addicted to and I caught him after being married 7 months). Everything he ever told me was a lie because he wanted me to think he was a good guy. We got married really fast, so I didn't have time to get to knowthe real him. I just trusted him because he went to church and seemed like a great guy. Come to find out he had cheated on a lot of other girls before me. One of the girls he cheated on sent me an annoynomous email saying that my husband was a bad guy and that she hoped he wouldn't cheat on me. Then I started noticing that he was looking up his ex-girlfriends on myspace and facebook. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him because he had to keep looking for girls on the internet. So I began to get fed up with his lies and I started looking elsewhere for contentment. I wasn't trying to have an affair but I met this guy at my work that was fun to be around and we shared a lot of the same interests. At first we were just friends but then we started hanging out too much and I started lying about hanging out with him and at this point I was just so hurt by my husband that I didn't care. Eventually I ended up separating from my husband for 4 months and kept the affair going. Then I realized how stupid it was and I cut things off with him and started going to counseling with my husband. He promised me he hadn't cheat on me and I believed him. Then a few days later his ex-girlfriend called him(the same one that had warned me about him in the email and one of the girls he had cheated on before) and he actually told me about it. He admitted to hanging out with her a few times but he swore that nothing else happened. Well I ended up sending her an instant message and come to find out they did sleep together once when they were drunk. So I was livid that he would let me think that I was the only one that had been unfaithful. Finally I forgave him and then things seemed to get better. But come to find out he is still doing the same things on the internet, look at girls profiles, looking up his exgirlfriends, looking up girls from his classes, and I'm afraid that he will contact them again and things will start all over again. I'm afraid that he will always lie to me and that he would cheat on me again. There was never any trust in this marriage and I feel like he has changed me, in a bad way. He is five years older than me, I'm 20 and he's 26 and he's had a lot more life experience than me. So I married him when I was young and naive. I believed his lies and I felt like an idiot for marrying him so fast. I still do, and now I have all kinds of resentment and hatred built up. I don't know what to do anymore. Will he ever change or will he always lie to me and should I just move on? He seems to want to change but I have to monitor everything he does, his emails, his computer history, I've become obsessed with finding out what he's lying to me about. I know this isn't healthy. So what do you think I should do?
AnswerHi Jessica: Thank you for sharing your pain with me. I would like to give you two responses if I may - good and bad.
Bad first.
At the ages the two of you are, given all you have faced already, and reading your story using the words like "hatred" - I must honestly tell you that the statistical odds are that the two of you are headed for divorce. That is just a mathematical fact.
BUT, the good news is that people can change. This marriage can be saved, restored, and become more fulfilling than you ever imagined. In order for that to happen - both of you must answer "yes" to the following two questions;
1. Do you really want to save this marriage?
2. Are you willing to do the hard work necessary to do so?
If both of you answer yes, you are on the right road. If either of you answer no to either question, the relationship is effectively over.
I am hoping you both answer yes and can move forward restoring the relationship. If you do, please take two steps;
a. Find a marriage counselor and get an appointment immediately.
b. Buy and read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Farley. Both of you need to read it.
All these issues with trust are symptoms - the marriage is what is at issue. Deal with that properly and the other issues will be addressed. Please keep me posted.
Good luck and God bless you.
David
