Concerned About Husband's Online Relationship & Child Safety

Question
Hi. My husband and I have been married two years. We have two children; my husband adopted my oldest, the youngest is 8 mos. old. I have an issue with my husband communicating with people on the internet on a personal basis. He is a member of a car type forum and has developed a personal relationship with a girl on there. How personal I do not know. He sends pictures of me, himself and our children to her. (He has also posted picutres of us on the forum.) She knows our whole story, everything from our likes and dislikes to where we live. They have spoken to each other over the phone and email each other, although I don't know how frequently this happens. She has sent pictures of herself to my husband, nothing sexually related, thank God. But his response to it was "You look marvelous." Which I think is really inappropriate. I have told him before on several occasions how greatly uncomfortable this makes me. But he keeps telling me that he knows her well and the relationship is innocent and continues with it. By the way, he did have another relationship like this with another girl on the same forum. She died some time ago and he was surprisingly really distraught over it. Not to say it's not sad. But these are people we have never met and know nothing about. I feel like our family is out there hanging in the wind. I really think that since he knows how greatly uncomfortable I am with this he should stop. If he is so close with this girl he has never met, I have to ask myself why this relationship is so important to him that he would continue it regardless of my feelings about it. Because of this, I obviously do not trust it. I do not think I am being unreasonable but an objective opinion would be appreciated.

Thanks for your time,
Kim

Answer
Dear Kim,

Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.

I sympathise with your situation.  However, I think that you and I both know that there is nothing that you are going to be able to do or say that is going to change your husband's behavior.  

The best suggestion I can give you is to encourage behavior that might result in your husband not wanting to develop these on-line relationships.

Obviously, your husband turns to this group because he gets something from it that he does not get from you.  Most particularly, I would imagine, support for his interests in cars.  This would indicate to me that you probably do not share this interest.  Therefore, he seeks out people who do.

Personally, I do not think that it is proper for people to have friendships with members of the opposite sex.  In my opinion you are just asking for trouble.  It would seem that in a car group there would be more than enough MEN to discuss car-stuff with.  Therefore, I am thinking there is more to this than just wanting to talk with like-minded folks.

I find that when men stray (either in person or online), it is because they are getting a lot of positive feedback that they are not gettng at home.  I think it is very important for you to take a good, hard look at your relationship with your husband.

Men love to feel appreciated and flattered.  They have very delicate egos and it takes a lot of positive feedback to keep them happy.  It is up to YOU to do this so that he won't seek it elsewhere.

There is a very good book out there that really helps with relationships and I recommend it almost every chance I get.  It is called... "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  In this book it teaches women how to treat their husbands so that they have very happy marriages and relationships.  I strongly suggest that you get a copy and read it.

It is very important to appreciate your husband by saying "thank you" for all the things that he does (like go to work, etc.).  It is very important to show that you appreciate him by doing special things for him, like cooking his favorite meal on a regular basis, and giving him sexual favors when he wants it. And MOST importantly, especially for a new mother, it is very important that you put your husband FIRST in your life and not make him feel like he is second to your child.  Nothing will turn a man off faster than to make him feel like he is playing second fiddle to your baby.  

Please read the book and I think you will be able to turn your relationship around.

Best of luck.

R. M. French