QuestionQUESTION: My husband and I have been married a mere 3 months and there is already trouble in paradise. I love my husband so much, maybe a little too much because when I get extremely frustrated at him, he shoots me one of his cute little smiles and I melt like butter and never get out all of what I want to say and never get our problems solved, so they just keep building and building. Our problems are really just the little things, but they are really getting to me. There are only two and I have tried to explain to him what they are and why they frustrate me, but he doesn't understand because the same thing doesn't bother him, so he doesn't understand why it would bother me. How can I talk to him and make him understand that it is killing our relationship. I am going to tell you exactly what I told him. The first thing is that I can't seem to get him out from in front of the TV. I feel like I am not high on his list of priorities. I work two jobs and I don't get much time to talk to him, so when I am home, I would like for him to spend time with me and not to wait until there is nothing on, or there is a commercial on to decide that he is available to pay attention to me now. He says he can hear me and the TV at the same time, and YES, he can repeat exactly what I just said to him, but he doesn't respond to what I am saying and he never looks up from the TV which makes me want to throw something at him. It is normal in his family to continue watching TV when you are being spoken to, but in my family, I was taught it is rude to do that and I can't stand it when he does it. He does the same thing when I call to talk to him on the few breaks I get during the day. He will either focus his attention on singing what is on the radio in his truck, talking to someone else, watching tv, or playing on the internet if he is at home. I don't feel like what I have to say is important to him or that I, myself, am not important to him. I told him just that and he doesn't understand. All he keeps saying is I need to relax and that he heard everything I said and asks if I want him to repeat it. It irritates me to the point I feel like I might explode. The second thing is worse than that. My husband drives a water truck for a living. So, everyday, he has to stop at this one particular gas station to fuel up his truck. Well, there is a young, 25 year old girl that works in there, that my husband has literally stayed in the convienent store for over an hour talking to her. He says there is another guy that he is in there talking to as well, and it is nothing to worry about but he may talk about the guy for 10 minutes but then spend a whole evening talking about the girl. And their conversations are not appropriate for a married man. She was telling him all the places on her body she has pierced, such as her nipples. It seems that everywhere my husband goes, he is extra friendly with the women and hardly socializes with the men at all. He works for a construction company and has all the girls phone numbers in his phone and one of them he talked to on his cell phone for over an hour. The only man in his phone is his direct supervisor. He is off work today and was going to just go up to that convienent store and hang out!!!!! I am furious!!! He says I am being too jealous and I need to learn to trust him. But none of what he is doing, in my opinion, is appropriate behavior for a married man. Am I being too jealous or am I justified in feeling like it is not right and being hurt by this? What can I do? How can I get my point accross to him? I have tried putting the shoe on the other foot and he swears he wouldn't be upset because he trusts me. But it has never happened to him and never will because I am not like that. What do I do? Please help. Thank you in advance.
ANSWER: Hey Misty: I hope you will be glad to hear that these issues are going to be solved pretty easily. It sounds like the two of you have a pretty solid foundation and some of what you are experiencing is fairly normal for newlyweds.
So, let's take these one at a time. The TV issue - First, I am going to suggest that the two of you set a "date night". Let's say Friday nights. No matter what - the two of you go do something - anything on Fridays (or whatever day). That gets you out of the house, away from the TV, and it's kind of hard not to have a conversation when you are sitting at happy hour somewhere.
Secondly, you need to tell your husband, in a very calm manner, how it makes you feel when he focuses on TV when you are trying to talk to him. Something like, "When you focus on the TV instead of me, it makes me feel ...". And the fact that he can repeat what you said is virtually meaningless. So he can multi-task - great. What is more important - ESPN or his marriage? He needs to understand that, while TV may be important to him, your marriage is important to you. So, ask for just a small compromise at first. I suggest that, when you want to talk, the TV gets muted. Now, be careful not to overplay this. Make it infrequent.
OK - the girl at the convenience store. First, his conduct is inappropriate and not conducive to a healthy marriage. There are two things you need to do.
First, tell him that you would like to meet her. If there is nothing to worry about and nothing to hide - no big deal. Go with him and have him introduce you. When you can, ask her something like, "Didn't that hurt when you got your nipples pierced?" That lets her know that your husband has told you everything about her. Not only will it be a little embarrassing for her, it puts you in a superior position.
Secondly, share your concerns about what you perceive as a focus on other women. Tell him that the only way you will have a healthy, long-lasting relationship is for you to believe that you are the one and only woman for him for the rest of his life - period. There is no wiggle room. He needs to understand that your perception is absolute reality - whether he thinks so or not. Ask him if he thinks the two of you need to see a marriage counselor - sometimes just the thought of that will drive a man to change his ways!
Try these things Misty. I really think you two have a lot going for you and just need to make a few adjustments.
Please let me know how it goes. Good luck!
David
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for all of that advice. It was great. We are trying to work out some things, but it doesn't seem to be going the way I want it to. He still doesn't think the other girl at the gas station is a big deal. He said I could meet her, but he will not stop going in there and spending time with her because he has other friends up there too. Now there is another problem. He will not take care of things that are priorities before he does what he wants to do. He has not been working lately because he does construction and when the weather is bad, he doesn't work. But I have been working two jobs and we have two kids at home. I get up at 4:45 and make breakfast and coffee and get me and the kids ready, if he is off he will take them to school, but if not, I do it. Then I get to my first job by 8am and this job is (excuse my language) but it's hell and he knows I am in misery here, then I leave that job at 5 and get to my other one by 5:30 and work there anywhere from 10pm to midnight. And I am so busy, I rarely even have time to eat lunch or dinner. So, when he is off, I would like a little help around the house. I have to give him credit, he does do the laundry, but he won't fold the clothes or hang them up, he just leaves them in a basket for me to do later and they all get wrinkled and we all live out clothes baskets until I find the time to put them away properly. And he will do the dishes occasionally. But that is only if he doesn't have anything he would rather be doing. We are short on money right now and he drives a gas hog. And instead of staying home and doing the dishes and getting the house in decent shape, he goes all over town to electronic stores and freaking game stores to look at video games and big screen TVs' that we can't afford. He has been spending a lot of time at the Game Stop here with some girl named Lacy. While the dishes stay piled in the sink. But last night when I worked, he did get the goodie bags ready for my daughters Christmas party at school so I didn't have to when I came home. And I really appreciate those little things, but like today our best friends are giving us a play house for our kids for Christmas and Todd was supposed to go help them take it apart to move it and he decided to go to sleep instead. I woke him up and begged him to go because I was at work and he said "good night" and went to sleep. I am at my wits end. I can't talk to him. He is going to do what he wants to do no matter what or how it effects me. I am going CRAZY!!!!! I am a list maker, a planner, an organized person. And he is complete caos!!! I need him to get a little structure and act like an adult. I don't mind playing and having fun or looking at stuff and doing wishful thinking, and GOD KNOWS I would LOVE to take a freaking nap, but I think as an adult, you should take care of your priorities first and then if you have time for all of that then do it. But it is like telling a child to do his homework before he is allowed to play his video games. He argues with me about it and throws a huge fit. But with a kid, you can make them do their homework. With Todd, I can't!!!! He just does whatever he wants. Because of that, we are late everywhere. We never get things done on time and I work twice as hard and never get any sleep. I am exhausted and I can't take much more of this. How can I get through to him.
AnswerHi Misty: Thanks for sharing this with me. There is one important step that I think you really need to take - find another full time job. And quit the evening job. I'm serious. You are not living a life - you are existing from one day to the next. This is not fair to you at all. A marriage is two people combined into one - there should be no daylight between them.
You are sacrificing mightily for your family, and it sounds like Todd is doing some work, for which you are grateful. You cannot keep up this pace - and your financial situation is secondary. If he wants a new TV or something, he can work for it. Just stop killing yourself working 14 hours a day - life is too short and your family needs you at home.
Quit the evening job immediately. And find another day job. If you are miserable in the one you are in now - get out of it. I promise you that you will be glad you did once you get somewhere else.
Lastly, I really wish I could talk to Todd as a counselor. I get pretty tough on situations like this. He has a hard-working wife and two kids - a lot of men would love to be as lucky as him.
Regarding you, I think the two of you need to come to some compromise. His lack of organization is driving you nuts and your lists and planning drives him nuts. You need to meet in the middle. Just talk to him about where you can work together so you don't drive each other nuts. If there is a particular situation where you absolutely want to be on time, ask him if everyone can be ready to go in plenty of time to be punctual. When those things happen Misty, praise him profusely. Tell him how much you appreciate it when he is thoughtful enough to take your feelings into consideration. Human beings respond much more effectively to positive reinforcement than negative criticism - Todd is no different.
Keep your chin up and simplify your life. And please keep me posted.
Regards,
David
